Patrice Karst -Life, Love, 2012, Miracles, Struggles, Magic and all the rest!

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2010-12-05T13:50:00.000-08:00

Hi Peeps,

Happy Holy-Days to one and all!

For now, I find myself rarely coming here these days--If you would like to see more of my day to day ramblings come and visit me on Face Book- http://www.facebook.com/patricekarst

And if you would like to order my books-- please purchase here or go to
Amazon.com: Patrice Karst: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Kindle

Have a blessed Winter and I will see you back in the new year - I hear that 2011 is going to be OUR best year ever!

Hang in there, keep the faith and of course JUST LOVE!

xo,

Patrice

The Spiritual Rebel's Rant!

2010-01-06T08:16:00.000-08:00

I began my spiritual journey over 40 years ago. A little girl in England, longing to understand the mysteries of the cosmos...
This was long before there was a new age, metaphysical, organic, green, yogic, self-help movement where “being spiritual” would become more like a fashion statement, a hobby- something to check in the things I like box. A lifetime before it would coalesce into trendy commercialism, an enterprise, a me me me path with a phony sounding vernacular.

Back in the day, that Magical Pandora’s box, down the rabbit hole - into outer space journey that describes the mystical path, the search for the Divine, the awakening of Higher Consciousness, had incredibly little to do with what we could “manifest”, it wasn’t about what we could get, it was about something, well, deeper.

I’m in rare form today as I sit drinking my standard mocha with the whip, in an over air conditioned Malibu Starbucks reflecting on all that bothers me about our community lately– I do that a lot—reflect.

Look, it’s a beautiful thing for me to witness the shifting of the masses. The fact that spirituality has become the new mainstream means that we are headed in the right direction– and thank God for that.

It’s just that this watered down, sugary sweet and “holier than you” façade of being spiritual because it’s hip to, makes me cringe as it plays itself out in a variety of increasingly annoying, insincere and competitive ways.

Take Face Book for example and the oh so holy and oh so dull “tooting my own horn cause I am so enlightened” posts like—“I am living in gratitude today for the oneness of the light and the blessings all around me in the now and the in the heart of my being in spirit of the peace and the truth of the oneness of the light…. or one of the horrors I recently read, “ Ready, aim, higher!!!!” Spare me.

For the love of God, what is wrong our tribe anymore? All this spiritual correctness is so whitewashed, generic, tired and ultimately boring.
No flavor, spice or personality. I like that in a person, a personality.

Can we all please get over ourselves right now, Please!

And another thing that bares pointing out—since I’m apparently on a roll here…

We can affirm (till the cows not only come home but leave to go on a vacation again!) but if our affirmation and Spirit’s plan (also known as our Destiny) don’t line up, then sorry mate, we’re out of luck because there is one law that reigns supreme above all others— and that would be all others. THY WILL BE DONE. And even if we have watched The Secret 20 times in a row taking notes, even if we did set our highest intentions while sitting in the seven sacred pools after our green tea colonic cleanse, even if we “ just know that we deserve it”— (and you’ll probably hate me for this) but if it isn’t in the cards doll—no matter what you do, It still isn’t going to happen.

Heck, we wouldn’t even be given our next breath if it were not for the Will and the Grace of God.

This spiritual egotism, pride and arrogance is missing the whole point. We all need some humility and we need it fast.

And, I’m really begging now, will all the “Count your blessings, watch everything you say, raw food police” please stop your babbling.

Quite frankly, who asked ya? I’ll decide what to count how I choose to speak and what to eat-- thanks very much.

Study the lives of all the great saints, and you see that most of them suffered terribly emotional pain in their longing for the Divine. They were downright depressed, miserable. People, they were indeed (shudder to imagine) feeling just a tad bit negative.

Somehow that makes me feel better. A whole lot better. Because lo and behold! I also suffer and sometimes a lot. And blinding news flash here--- so do we all because we are in fact Human. Humans feel. And we are beautiful within all that feeling. Radiantly, magnificently, beautiful.

Since when, I ask myself, did being real, become “un spiritual?” and when did sadness become less holy than joy?

Yet these days we are told over and over in a never ending variety of ways that we are somehow being “spiritually incorrect” if we do anything other than follow some generically prescribed “happy no matter what façade”.

I see so many masks being worn, so many costumes so many disguises. And all this sad fake “positivity” has resulted in a lot of folk feeling very, very much alone we have not been a truthful lot at all. And it is tragic.

And that’s where I seem to rush in. For whatever reason (and I am sure this could be analyzed ad nauseum) I feel that I have no other choice than to somehow do my part in balancing all this goody two shoes/ Pollyanna idea of what a spiritual seeker is supposed to walk and talk like, out.

Patrice’s version of, “Spirituality for the rest of us.”

I’ll admit it. I’ve always been a bit of a radical, the gal who feels the need to bring the ridiculously obvious Elephant in the living room to light, to call the emperor out as naked, when he is so clearly is. I am the one in the post office that rolls her eyes at the scene when the service is ridiculously slow, who sends food back in a restaurant when it sucks and oh yeah, who speaks up in a meeting, if no one else does (and they rarely do) even if it is yucky, even if it will make me unpopular or make things slightly uncomfortable for a moment until the unnamed emotionally charged collective Zit bursts and everyone finally gets to breathe again.

Frankly, I wouldn’t feel the need to do it so often or so intensely if more of my brothers and sisters on the path, would just take up the baton and run with it. I wait, no truly, I wait, often until the last possible second, silently praying to all that I hold Holy to see if just this one time, someone will thrill me, let me rest this one out, and speak the heck up!

And sometimes, to my utter delight, they do.

My everyday heroes are those brave and wondrous and therefore interesting to me people that have a voice. An authentic one. That they dare to use. Those who bless us all with their willingness to tell us the truths of their lives. Even the ugly parts, especially the ugly parts. Whether their voice is heard in a book, a film or at the deli.

Spiritual heroes have canojes.

They are generous of spirit. They share their honesty, therefore their souls. That’s what heroes do—they share.

They don’t answer; “I’m fine and you?” When they’re sad or scared or lonely and they are the truest spiritual teachers that exist.

They’ll never be criticized for not “walking their talk” because their talk is for real. Nor will they ever come crashing down from Grace because they never put themselves on any self-imposed pedestal to begin with.

You see, ultimately, all we can ever really offer our fellow travelers upon this confusing, brilliant, spinning planet, is our truth, all of it. Who we are, what we stand for, what we really believe and yes, what we FEEL as we dance or stumble through our lives.

There is a sublime quote from The Buddha that spells it out so well, " There are three things that can’t be hidden for long: the sun, the moon, and the Truth."

In the end, being real, matters.

just love,

Patrice

Well, Mission Maui is Over! 0r Aloha Ha Ha Ha...

2009-07-15T08:33:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys,

I don't even know where to begin....

Let's just put it this way.....I HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL AND BACK AND I SURVIVED. They say that moving to Maui is a very different experience than going to visit. No truer words have ever been spoken. From the moment the plane landed till the moment another plane took off for Los Angeles 2 1/2 months later ( with me on it!) everything that could go wrong did go wrong.

From splitting up with my husband within weeks of arriving ,to the sugar cane burn that left a thick layer of brown red dirt for weeks over every surface in my house to the giant flying cockroaches to having no money and no jobs and tourism way down and people leaving the island in droves because of the suffering economy there to the unrelenting wind for weeks at a time that made me feel crazy to my growing intense depression as I looked out at the ocean and realized that I was a 5 hour flight from everyone and everything that mattered mostly including my 17 year old son on the mainland with his dad that made me realize that I couldn't handle an ocean separating us.... You momma lions know what I mean--- if we had to, we could walk miles to reach our children if they needed us ( but I can't swim 2500 miles!) and when you are running out of money on a little island and you are there with your car and your stuff and the wind and the bugs and your sad and your scared and your about to turn 50 and you feel alone--- well, you get the idea...

I was over it, and it was time to admit that the Maui adventure was just that, an adventure but it was not HOME. and so, I shipped the car, the dog, sold all the furniture that I had bought there and arrived at LAX at 4:40 am --

To add insult to injury, I sent out a pretty pleading email to my "circle" explaining my plight and that I needed a "soft place to land and be loved up a bit" ,well let me say here that the results were not staggering as far as offers went which really put me into a downward spin as I once again realized that I am ALONE.... my crazy mother and brother ( no really!) don't count as family and my friends are scattered ( I have moved so much in my life it is no wonder that I feel so displaced) and my son left momma at 13 to go live with "dad".

Heck it was me and Coco ( my beloved wiener dog and best friend) on the bed eating Denny's take out on July 5th ( my 50th birthday!) at the Extended Stay America in Woodland Hills( little furnished motel type rooms with TV and Internet and little kitchens that let you have your dog!)...

Yikes! It is one weird place--their "handle" is... "Extended stay where you can stay and stay!" Needless to say there are a lot of "transitioning folk" here and apparently, I am one of them!

There is so much more that I want to say--- I haven't written in so long and as my fingers move across the keyboard I feel somewhat alive again but I am also tired so I will close for today saying this....

God, I am so happy to be back on the Mainland. That said, I LOVE MAUI and if everything hadn't fallen apart, maybe my experience would have been very different. Yet it is said that Maui is a powerful teacher and that whatever needs looking at in your life, "She" will bring to the surface ( like I haven't been looking enough???)

Maui did what I had asked her to do ( just not in the way that I imagined) I asked for sanctuary and healing-- Sanctuary apparently is an inside job and healing comes in many forms.... I had to go to"paradise" to realize that it has to be within first. And so that is what I am now working on... My "pain body" as Eckhart Tolle speaks of in The Power of Now has been "feeding" on me for far too long ( it has had a lot to grow real big on with my "story") and before I leave this world, my goal is to find happiness, create it, bring it to others, live it and breathe it and by God, that is my new Mission. And if it took my Maui fiasco to bring me to this moment, then She did her job and now I am going to do mine. When you hit a bottom in your life, as this surely is-- there is a level of surrender, humility, compassion that goes beyond anything I have ever experienced. God and I are tight right now... and I am very ready for the promised miracles that come from this place.

What I learned in Maui about living with Aloha has forever been embedded in me-- I met so many living/giving angels in Maui and I will miss that so much, so many beautiful souls all iving in one place...Now I am here in the " city of angels"-- Los Angeles ( though most people here just don't know it yet) and I will be one of them. One day, I will offer sanctuary for people that need it. I will be that girl that never turns a blind eye to a plea for help. The only thing that matters to me now is kindness, the only true and ultimately meaningful spiritual practice ever. I am here now to love. Period.

Watch me.

Just Love,

Patrice

Mission Maui Complete!

2009-04-21T19:40:00.000-07:00

I am here and it is magic....

No really, MAGIC. I have met more angels in the one week I have been here than the past many years in Los Angeles. There is something here that just seems to bring out the goodness in people. Or maybe they just remember what a traumatic move it is and bend over backwards to help other souls that have made the leap.

That said, at times I feel like a scared little kid that is at sleep away camp for the first time, is God awful homesick, and wants mommy and daddy.

We had a rough crash landing, as the house we rented on Craig's List sight unseen was a dump. This created some manner of havoc you cannot even imagine as we locked up and left the house to search for digs at a hotel where we could regroup and figure out what the hell to do next. Bear in mind, I, in my usual obsessive compulsive way had changed everything to the now rejected house and knew I had some serious damage control to do to re- do everything I had done and find us a home. And don't even get me started at the pain of my doggies being in quarantine for the next 3 months. I have felt so guilty for that. Luckily I can at least visit them and I just keep telling myself it is just a matter of time till they come home and run around the yard that we got them..because.....

Long story short-- after five intense days and nights of some serious panic and freakouts, we found our dream place on the North Shore of Maui just where we wanted to be. Gourgous deck with panoramic views of the ocean and mountains, huge spacious and yes our own coconut trees to boot.

Stepdaughter teen Marisa has discovered her "inner surfer" and cannot leave the water.... I mean seriously 5-6 hours a day boogie boardind the big waves at Paia Bay with the big boys. She is HOME. Mark is pretty blissed out himself.

We can't move into new house for another 9 days so we are at a tropical rental cottage called Bamboo Gate. Today I opened a checking account at the Bank of Hawaii, got a prescription filled at the local pharmacy and it began to dawn on me--I live here now. I live in Maui. It was not a move for the faint of heart and took almost all that I have but I gotta tell ya, from 2, 100 miles out in the ocean from California, the adventure has just begun.

I promise to get my lazy ass to post pictures as soon as we move in. I haven't even begun to explore or even have much chance yet to really soak in the fact that I now live here on this beautiful island, but I will- trust me, I will.

For now, I wanted to at least check in and say Aloha! We have arrived...

Much more later,

and always...

Just Love!

Patrice

From Madness to Maui

2009-04-05T13:35:00.000-07:00

Okay so I know I kinda suck in that I have been in hiding for many weeks now--

MUCH HAPPENED!

I will fill you in later ( I promise-- just let me settle in a tad) on all the incredible sequence of events ( including the sudden dropping dead of my father) (Sorry for the lack of grace in description there, but as a tyrant, abusive father, I didn't feel the need for a softer gentler description)...

Oh Lordy there is so much to share--Bottom line cause I am still not quite ready to dive quite yet into my usual long winded blogging sphere....

I am moving in 10 days to Maui....To the most beautiful trippy, hippy, artsy, surfer, magical little town called Paia on the north shore of Maui. Husband Mark and Step daughter teen Marisa are in tow and we lift off on April 15.

I am checking into "Hospital Maui" for my everything healing , my 50th birthday present to myself and to Mark ( who just turned that big corner)

To the land of rainbows, and mystical mountains and the next part of our destiny.

To a land where Aloha is said all day and one of it's meanings is Love-- you gotta love a place where "Love" is spoken out loud and inside to each and all, day every day...

So much more to say, to explain, to share, to question, to ponder with you all...

Patrice's big tropical adventure and what that really means

The Islands called--And I am answering.

Aloha..which by the way is the epitome of

Just Love

Patrice

On Moving to Maui

2009-02-27T16:40:00.000-08:00

Meandering around Maui and wondering if it makes any sense to move here?

First that question and then this -- the voice within wails out ( and oh I truly do love this part of me) " Who the fuck cares if it makes sense girl?" I mean it's not like "making sense" has ever worked out for me -- I can never quite master that one. And thus, I am thinking that maybe making sense is one way over rated son of a gun who certainly never took the leap over thousands of miles of Pacific to live a life of trade winds, clear warm waters, magic all around and the feeling that even if one is broke as currently ( notice currently) in the case of yours truly-- at least broke in Paradise feels like a grand adventure--- broke in L.A -- face it, feels like--loser!

And sooooo I am on a mad and wonderful campaign across Maui in each of the four directions, feeling the vibes and checking out all nooks and crannies, scenes, dreams and communities to decide just what part of this mysterious and magic Island, I might indeed call home---

Husband and stepdaughter are flying out to join me tomorrow to come and check it out!!!!! I tested the idea to him on the phone when I realized that I really did miss him. And I'll be darned and delighted if he didn't book tickets and is on his way! You gotta love a man that does that! Even though I had come here thinking it might be a good place for me to move to have some separation-- Lo and Behold, I actually find that I want him here with me!

Hey, maybe taking the leap together, to go live the dream, to "act as if", might just be the re-bonding medicine that we need--that or we will kill each other. But I digress...

Being a boat/water dude an all, he will be in his BLISS over here. My 14 year old stepdaughter however is another question. I am just praying that Mother Maui will cast a love spell on Marisa that will create her begging to move here. I plan to work on her and give her the best time ever when she gets here and with God's grace she might make a buddy or two and realize it could be awesome to move here. Bottom line, who is kidding who here? I have my work cut out for me.

It all seems pretty much a no brainer as far as ever other issue. When all else is said and done, and if for some unfortunate reason, if I am not fully rolling in enough dough to sustain myself with all my creative" trying to make it" projects and I gasp have to get a normal work a day job ( maybe a hotel, timeshare, who knows what?) AT LEAST, I will be living my dream and able to chalk another one of those wishes on the list of Patrice's life off. The community by the way that I have always craved seems to be here... there is a camaraderie over here of folks that are a true tribe of beings just grateful to call Maui home. And refuges from the Mainland all with something they wanted to find or to leave and Maui is one heck of a beacon of light- I tell ya! Then again maybe I will be so happy finally escaping from L.A that the Goddess of Prosperity and the Blesser of Book and Movie deals and all manner of Successes will find us here and we can live well and have a few more creature comforts ( like enough money to fly back if we want to!!!)

It is friggen Beautiful here ( no words do justice) It just feels warm and real and Aloha and something about the distance between here and the mainland makes all things seem new again,.... all things seem ...possible.

Is this running away, escaping, pulling a geographical, -- won't I be taking all my issues, burdens, sorrows bla bla bla with me? YES and your point is???? Damn it I need a new adventure and I think I am going to go ahead and give myself that gift. Sell and give away almost everything and bring me, Coco, my laptop, clothes and maybe Mark and Marisa and hop on over.

As I sit here breathing the warmth of hope and looking across the sparkling sea with the palm trees swaying and the green majestic peaks of Maui.... All that comes to mind is one big YES!

Oh and if the economy never recovers and all Hell breaks loose --I gotta say at least there are mangoes and avacados falling off of trees , bananas everywhere and plenty of fish to be caught- We won't go hungry ...

Just Love!

Patrice

Down the Rabbit Hole We go.... Adult Indigos, 2012 and the Love Revolution that is Underway

2009-02-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

As I continue down-the-rabbit-hole of wonder on this spiritual path that I have been on for almost half a century now, the wonders continue at a breathtaking rate. The world as I knew it has changed and the LOVE revolution is most assuredly underway.

My mission continues to become tweaked and crystallized for me . What I offer up now is my truth and experience as I report in for duty by sharing my personal unfoldment as I/WE participate in that of Planet Earth's!

I would love for you to join me as we share these unprecedented changes together. As we go through it all -- all of it-- the tests, trials and tribulations, the ecstacys, the agonies.

And me? A gal ( perhaps similar -- or not!-- to you ) , who has known all her life that there was something so tragically wrong with how this current Earth plane works-- this odd, dense, thick orb I found myself stuck on. A stranger in a strange land. That remembered a place of such utter magnificance and joy--- so filled with Divinity and warmth-- I have suffered with longing for that home ever since.

It is so weird ( also known as perfect) how things are revealed to you at just the time that you are ready for them, apparantly! After all these years as a spritual seeker, writer, student....I find out that there is actually a name for my lifelong ailment and that indeed there are others ( thousands of others- though still a tiny minority! ) all over the world, like me. The Indigo Adults...

I am being guided to start communicating with you now-- more by the use of You Tube videos. I need to get real in only the way that eyes, voice, expression and movement can. Though I love the medium of writing, I am feeling the need to share in a way that words alone can't quite touch. I look forward to having you see me soon.

On my videos-- I will talk more about my discoveries regarding all this-- suffice to say, I finally understand what my spiritual "sadness/depression" has always been about. So many many things finally falling into place. Patrice's cosmic jigsaw puzzle ( if you will) has found some missing pieces. Who knows? Perhaps through my story, I might be of service in helping you find some of yours.

Of this, I am certain, our mission is being quickened-- 2012 draws closer and The Great Battle between Light and Dark-- Good and Evil is well underway and reaching a pivitol moment, we reach a cosmic critical mass.

All of our suffering and homesickness has not been in vain. The trumpet has sounded and we are being called to order. WE signed on to be here at this crucial time in Humanity's Evolution and to in fact remind each other that it is NOW and that we CAN bring Heaven to Earth. No, really! Really, Really, Really we can!

The way is Love. The way is Truth. If God/Spirit is capable of all things--(And we know He/It is!)-- then it IS not only possible, it is in fact, our destiny.

and way overdue...

more to come, sweet ones.

Let us remember no-thing else....

JUST LOVE!

Patrice

Down in the Dumps Day

2009-02-12T18:22:00.000-08:00

I was wanting to come up with a super, clever, funny post for you all to make up for the fact that my blog seems to have dwindled down to just once a week, ( all part of my recent bout of melancholy) but I find I am failing miserably.

It is one of those days. You know the ones-- or do you? I wonder sometimes if I am a rarity when it comes down to those Blah, Blah, really Blah days or do you all have 'em too? Logic and my 12 step meetings tell me you do, but the way my warped mind works,I am tormented with little diddies like," God you are so f--ked up Patrice. No one else wanders around there house with the maddening existential angst like you do!"

My voices can be mean little a--holes, clever and cunning too. They just seem to get cheap thrills in kicking me extra hard, when I am down. They delight in it, in fact. Cruel little devils, they are. And then, ( and this can really mess with me) comes the realization that "they" are indeed not from some external source. They are in fact all me!

Now if that doesn't send you wanting to run for the hills, I don't know what else could. I tell ya. "Why?", I ask myself, " do you let YOU do that to YOU?"

No good answers come, only more questions.

Oh, I can come up with rote reasons-- spiritual growth, emotional maturing, deeper connections to kick my ass into being of service to others instead of moping around. But these " reasons"all seem trite and cliche today. Like bland fortune cookies that are stuffed with the same old crap you have read a million times before. You will succeed in all your affairs.

I wanted today, just for once to have the most brilliant of epiphanies that would result in me solving the riddle of all time, or creating world peace, or great art, or for the love of God at least some damn relief, but alas, today as usual, I just waited for the hours to pass.

I snuggled Coco, made a few phone calls, watched Tivo'd shows, paced, ate, stared out the window when I wasn't gazing at the computer waiting for it to heal me. I talked to God, yelled at God, bargained with God and still the hours passed like molasses.

Even the invitation from my girlfriend in Maui to come for a visit in the next couple of weeks ( which I am going to do by the way) brought no real joy. Hawaii for God's sake! That should have stirred up a bit of delight-- but nope-- nada- zippo.

And so, I am blogging. I mean after all, I can't be funny, witty, zippy, trippy, Patrice all the time, can I? Should I? Would that I could!

Yuck, I am even boring myself here-- so I am going to move on. There is no " good " reason for all of this icky depression. Not really. No- one died. Well actually that is not true. A troubled gal ( obviously having some very bad days herself!) in my building accidentally overdosed on a Oxycontin and some kind of booze lethal combo last week.

I went to her "viewing" yesterday even though I hardly knew her. Hey I was in the area any way and it seemed like a decent thing to do. And truth be told, I haven't seen a dead body in a while and I was mildly curious...

Yikes - yuck. Looking at her laying there looking not at all like the neighbor I saw once in a while, she looked old and weirdly made up. The embalmer maybe was having an off day?

Her corpse gave me absolutely no pause in remembering that when I leave, I am absolutely to be cremated. No bad make up jobs for me, that I don't even get to approve -- thank you very much!

And now I have a perfectly good reason to claim is the reason for my blues today. That Claudia in # 203 died and she didn't really mean to.

May she rest in peace.

God I hope that's how it works. If not, I will be friggen Pissed off, I tell ya!

Okay, I am going now-- tomorrow will be better. I can feel it. I will chalk the real reason for my state of mind today on a slew of facts, my empty nest, midlife madness, planet gone bonkers, husband not around, teen stepdaughter suspended for being drunk, debt growing, mean nasty agents rejecting, phone not ringing, state of affairs....

Need I say more- Oh yeah and that Don't have any vices to play with!

Hey, having said all that-- I am actually am doing much better than I thought-- considering.....

Much better happiness posting next time, I promise... or you can chase me down and slap me.

Truly, I need one thing and one thing only-- no really! And, I'll be darned... I am going to find it and give it to myself. Who better????

Just Love!

Patrice

The Sky is Falling

2009-02-06T18:04:00.000-08:00

My latest fun activity is talking to random strangers on the streets, elevators, banks you name it and and getting their reaction to this one statement that I make, " It sure is getting crazy out there."

This one sentence seems to unleash an avalanche of responses from the moderately mild to the ragingly hysterical. I enjoy being the catalyst to let folks unburden their pent up emotions that somehow seem to be unearthed by my "invitation to let loose" and let loose they do. From politics to global warming, drug addiction to crime, the economy to illegal aliens, to real aliens ( as in the little green men kind) to, well, fill in the blank-- I have rarely met a stranger who does not take my bait and run wild with it.

The overall summarization that I can make of all this is that there is a collective sense out in the world that life as we know it has changed and is continuing to do so at a dizzying pace...

I, for one, am excited about the possibilities, a brotherhood among men will be the natural unfoldment coming out of all of this seeming chaos-- I really believe that. The sky may be falling but the Light is above us all and a new Heaven on Earth just may be under construction. We needed a new foundation and we are getting it. Our new home could be- will be- utterly glorious. Really.

In the meantime, "It sure is getting crazy out there."

Nothing else to do but....

Just Love!

Patrice

Back with you

2009-02-03T10:06:00.000-08:00

Good morning beautiful peeps,

Ah, it is good to be back-- I missed you all way too much and am not leaving again! Such a drama queen I am. Jeez.

The birds are a twirpin' the sun is a shining, spring is on the way and I have a lousy cold. This minor ailment gave me a highly authentic reason to skip Vinnie's killer yoga class today. I just didn't have the energy to do an hour and a half of high level postures in a room with 80-100 other perfect bodied yogis sweatin' out here in Santa Monica....and soooooo--- I took Coco for a walk instead. Coco, for those of you that don't know is the cutest and I mean CUTEST wiener dog in the world.( see pic a few posts ago) By the way, I truly do live in the coolest neighborhood in L.A ( Venice/Santa Monica)-- Cafes, the beach, hip boutiques, the Venice boardwalk--what's not to love? When I am not in my cup half empty state, I truly can appreciate it, and trust me, for a gal that often swore that there was no friggen' cup, I have come a LONG way!

FYI There are a lot of things happening on the career front so please keep fingers crossed for me. Let's put it this way, I am either on the verge of a spiritual empire with several new books and some old ones getting republished, script sold, non-profit raising tons of dough, speaking, signing, wining and dining-- OR bankruptcy. No, really!

Let's all hold the intention for the former shall we? But always with that one caveat that covers EVERYTHING-- Thy will be done. ( I just love that -- it brings me such peace, when I let it) Something bigger than me has my back, and yours!

Uh oh! Sneezing and coughing attack is underway-- so I will sign off until later. I am glad to be back with ya all-- I have decided to keep it simple and just write...No more scrutinizing my every motive, analyzing my every move, pondering my ever intention for this blog.

"For the love of God Patrice," I tell myself, " Just write!"

And of course,

Just Love!

Patrice

Waiting for Instructions and Saying Goodbye ( for now)

2009-01-26T18:23:00.000-08:00

To darling you,

Tonight I knew deeply that it was time for me to check in, so that I could check out so to speak...

Blogging with you has been a creative, cathartic, very intimate (ish) and joyful dance... I feel close to you in that weird kind of way that only a cyber reality could offer...Therefore, it wouldn't have felt right to just stop posting for now without saying ciao (for a spell).

This is because...

Things are getting amped up very quickly now dramatically and galactically.

And I am feeling the need to go silent for a while as I re-evaluate life, my life, all life and all manner of, well, everything. After a lifetime of spiritual preparation of sorts, I literally need to pull away from the computer to go deep into the silence, that old original Holy Temple within. I need to tune in and indeed listen for my next instructions- my marching orders, if you will. What really is the most organic and needed next steps for this gal. It is time for me to get very private now with the powers that be and I just can't do that and do this with you all at the same time. Oh that I wish I could...

I have no idea where I am being led, but in true surrendered fashion, am open to all possibilities. Not sure if books, speaking, my children's stuff, the non-profit, the film or the shaved ice shack in Jaco, Costa Rica ( seriously) is where I am being directed but wherever God/Spirit needs me to go, I plan to be there.

Know that I am, at all times and in ways that words don't begin to describe...
praying deeply and sending out blessings in every direction...

that we may all once again find ourselves playing, " Back in the Garden".

The waters will be getting rough. Keep the faith -- listen to your own instructions ( the heart) get in position and stay the course. It will be worth it. The Light will win, Heaven on Earth awaits..

I'll be back -- we'll be together again soon ( it's inevitable!)

until that precious time ... Live well --enjoy your magical date with Lady Destiny and.....

Just Love!

Patrice

To Bog or Not to Blog- Again!

2009-01-19T16:29:00.000-08:00

Confession time.... I have been a bad bad blogger.

What started off as my new passion somehow has become my new pressure...I am experiencing Blogger Guilt and confusion for not posting more often. Especially since I have followers that I feel like I am leaving in the lurch when I up and disappear.

"Patrice", I tell myself," Just blog when you feel like it whether that's once a day or once a month. And write whatever the hell you fancy . This is your blog after all, and it's not like people are having a hard time sleeping through the night because Patrice hasn't posted in a bit, or that, gasp, she wrote what!"

Guys, it's just that lately a multitude of other blogging issues seem to be keeping me away from the keyboard that just a few weeks ago was my delightful cathartic escape...

#1 Do I really want people that I know out there ( strangers, by the way, seem to pose no major problem for me) but the thought that peers, ex-boyfriends, potential publishers, clients and neighbors are now privy to all my inner demons and desires is well, quite frankly, beginning to creep me out a bit. This could be solved by not revealing as much "deep" stuff as I do but that would be miss the entire point of what my blog is....As I have said before, that last kind of blog this gal will ever write is some generic, safe, boring little, look at my new teapot purchase ( complete with said teapot picture) kind of blog. Someone just shoot me on the spot, if I ever resort to that. Please.

#2 "I'm not in the mood!" Blogging has become yet another voice in my head ( and Lord knows, I have enough of those already!) Barking at me to write everyday. The rebel in me, well- rebels when I think that I have to do something on a regular basis.

#3 And just why am I blogging anyway? Obviously, I am no doubt analyzing this thing to death ( like I do most everything else by the way) At first, it wasn't going to be a "journally" thing at all as much as a place to simply write whatever the muse was serving up that day and have the added bonus of a little immediate gratification. That somewhere, someone was reading what I was writing so soon after it was written felt like quite a thrill. I thought that it would be a great way to get some writing done everyday and a new and interesting way to do it. Then I got caught up in trying to promote it and design it right and that led me down that Hellish road we all knows as Comparison Highway where it was never as good as...or as profound as...or as beautifully artistic as....

Adding to those dilemas, was the fact that my format had turned into some kind of self confessional, and this really brought with it some issues-- case in point--I recently wrote a powerful post about my love/hate relationship with smoking pot and then several days later, I promptly freaked out and deleted it because I got concerned that in this uptight society, where alcohol that kills and destroys so many many lives is not only legal, but celebrated, yet a flower that grows naturally and at it's very worst, may make some a little goofy, unmotivated and eating too many munchies....is illegal!--- someone out there might take issue and judge me harshly and that this, I thought pretty darn courageous "outing" of myself, just might come back to haunt me. Of course after deleting it, I felt really conflicted and just plain old wimpy! I went into this kind of downward spiral that I am just now working through as I examine just what am I wanting to do with my blog anyway?

I now realize that I have written an entire post about whether to blog or not. That is just so like me. And I still have made no earth shattering decisions about how, how often or just what shape this blog will take, but I do feel much much better that I checked in.

Can I go now?

Oy Vey.

P.S By the way, I forget to mention that I just found out that I am indeed a true

"Indigo Adult", Ah, so that explains it!!!!

I have a feeling that I will for sure be back to chat with you all about this latest discovery that is having a big impact on me. Google the expression, if you are curious...It's me-- I tell ya!

As always my lovely ones, thank's mucho for hanging out with all of the pieces that make up this confusing but hopefully tasty Patrice Pie...

Until I show up again ( hey, maybe even tomorrow!)

Just Love!

Patrice

Compassionate Haze...

2009-01-12T13:27:00.000-08:00

This will be a short and rather whiny post as I am having a rough time with re-entry into "normal life" after that fiasco most commonly known as "the holidays". For the love of God--what is that madness all about? If it is supposed to be about you God, I am afraid that somehow you got pushed to the side amidst the cookies, dysfunctional forced gatherings and rapant materialistic frenzy.

Clearly you can see, I am in rare form --Bottom line as I write this, everything seems rather annoying and slightly pointless today-- at least I finally have a bathroom! It's the little things people.

The weather is glorious here in LA after our "freeze". I am still in charge of one stepdaughter and two dogs and want to run away from home ( of course this will happen after I decided just what home really is anyway)

I am reluctant and therefore dragging my heels before deciding to jump back into the push, promote, push, promote world of publishing, speaking, marketing etc. that is required for even thinking about getting your message out there while earning a living (let alone a little notoriety), if you are an author. And I am....

Working at the the shaved ice store in Costa Rica is still sounding mighty appealing right about now--

Earlier, I smoked something called Compassionate Haze ( no judgements!) and today that is exactly what I feel--a hazy and yet overwhelming compassion for a sad, troubled ailing planet, and this sort of makes my whole prioritizing of the day take on some new meaning.

And speaking of meaning, what the hell (pun) is all the suffering on Earth really all about anyway, if not to ever remind us at all times and especially when lost and lonely...to.....

just love,

Patrice

Jay Leno Waving to me on Sleepy Saturday Afternoon

2009-01-03T16:41:00.000-08:00

So there I am returning from being of service today and schlepping Eli's friend Daniel back to his house 45 miles from mine, ( long story- the kid is going through some hellish times-- it was the least I could do) So we are driving back up Topanga Canyon, Eli is asleep in the front seat, I am listening to the classic rock station and trudging my way along, when I spot a well groomed dude in a fine automotive specimen-- a beautiful burnt orange metallic sleek sports car ( I am not good with this kind of thing could have been a Corvette or a Lamborghini for all I know) anyway there we are at the stoplight and I give a weary smile...a smile that says " Hey well groomed dude in a tight car on a Saturday afternoon-- I am a tired mom with a headache, but yeah you look good, so hat's off to ya", When well groomed dude, gives me a huge grin and starts waving at me and lo and behold it's friggen Jay Leno!

So now I have like 12 seconds to make a huge decision-- do I let this moment pass or do I make a frantic appeal to get on his show by yelling out the opened window that I am an amazing spiritual author and tossing him a God Made Easy ? Now, I wish I could tell you that the passionate, spontaneous never let an opportunity go to waste power house- wild woman that I am, threw him the book, got invited for a meeting and history was born, but in those few seconds, I was just so surrendered to the surrealness of the moment, so tired of all the push and promote that seems to be required to sell a few books, and really just so humored by the whole event that I just waved back and then quickly acknowledged this to God.

Dear God,

Thank you for Jay Leno smiling and waving at me today. Since, I was not able to milk the moment so as to create greatness, I would like you to know that if you should see fit for me to finally make it ( as in not broke anymore!) as an author/speaker/teacher etc. (after all the work, body mind and soul that I have put in-- not to mention spreading the good word, oh yeah! and trying to make the world a way better place, and doing great PR for ya!!! Hint Hint), then the ball ( like the entire universe) is in your court. Your daughter Patrice is currently wiped out.

Love always,

Me

I sent the prayer mail, Jay turned right, Eli slept on and I continued deep through the canyon, home.

Just another day in L.A

Just another two beings that shared a moment.

Just Love,

Patrice

Is it the New Year Yet???

2008-12-28T17:04:00.000-08:00

My favorite day of the year every year is January 2nd.

Such a lovely day she is...The end of the madness and the promise that this just might be the year of all things new and shiny.

So I am holding on and reminding myself that all is well and that She indeed IS only days away.

I am saying this in my rental condo that has been torn apart with construction, and which currently is covered( and I mean every inch covered) in a fine layer of said construction dust, we still have no shower, son Eli (17) is visiting and has taken over the living room complete with all his clothes and dirty laundry strewn all over and loud marathon stints of BBC television shows that he watches over and over and might I mention OVER. There are drills, saws, tools and a toilet sitting where my where my sweet zen furniture used to be. The two dogs are going through some kind of canine co-dependency and separation anxiety ( probably from being in doggy jail also known as boarding for three weeks while I was traveling) they follow me from room to room literally clinging to my ankles at times. I can't go " back to work" to find my way out of my financial mess because the world is still on holiday, ah yes, and the fact the constant drilling and pounding truly makes any kind of conversation utterly impossible and finally ( so that you can really feel my current state of mind) Captain Mark ( my husband) who did fly in for a whopping 36 hours and then jetted off is writing blogs ( one of the only ways that I can keep current on his travels) from the Acapulco Yacht Club where he describes in detail his poolside brunches and all the new yachtie friends he is making. I read these blogs covered in dust, dirty, white knuckling it, attached to two dogs, listening to constant banging and obnoxiously loud Dr. Who reruns ad nauseum, Oh and let me not forget just to round it all out for ya, I am COLD. Los Angeles is going through a freeze of sorts ( for us) and my daily uniform is ugly baggy heavy whatevers, Uggs and a jacket because right now, that's just the best I can do, the heater sucks and right now so does everything else....

Finally let me add here that the economy of the world is crashing and collapsing all around me, which, scary as it is, brings these two interesting and somewhat comforting thoughts, #1, at least I haven't lost any money ( never had any to begin with) and #2, maybe the playing field will be finally leveled between the have and have- not's and we just might all be chopping wood and carrying water together, (which quite frankly maybe the just the collective humbling and healing that we as a society, as a people, truly need!)

To be fair, there is actually a lot of greatness in my life too, so let me add here that I adore my son, dogs husband, I am healthy in body and mind (even if the finances are currently a tad under the weather). And yet, even that could all change if just one of my projects sells, or a big donor comes through for the Just Love Project , or an investor for my film... thus, (I remind myself in my better and brighter moments), I actually have the makings of quite the creative/financial empire -- if only bankruptcy doesn't happen first.

The good news is that I am ( though I may not sound like it) quite surrendered with it all...in fact I hereby give myself one big ass pat on the back for my quite chilled handling of all of this insanity.

My current mantra--'09 Will be Divine..

Until then,

I will enjoy the last few days of the year that was The Not So Great '08

I wish you all a Big Juicy Happy New Year!

And as always, my continued prayer for us all and my own deeply personal, continual and ultimate goal, that being, to...

Just Love,

Patrice

Merry/Happy (Whatever!)

2008-12-23T13:52:00.000-08:00

For the love of God can we just get through it already!

You can see that my mood has improved immensely. No actually, I am feeling pretty good and having a relatively relaxing ( if you can call it that) time with my immense sales campaign to talk seventeen year old son Eli into moving back to LA with Momma (complete with all manner of bribes, begs and conspiracies to get all his friends involved in the mission) so far not much budging going on over on his end but one can never underestimate the inner workings that may be brewing beneath the surface- or said one can at least hope!. Oh and did I mention having no shower ( finally a toilet) so every 2-3 days we sheepishly arrive with towels and toiletries to borrow our next door neighbors shower, constant banging and drilling as the workers try their best to create a bathroom, getting emails from Captain Mark's various dockings as he has brought Lor-E- Lei up the Pacific Coast- Lucky dog has been in Nicaragua, Guatemala, El Salvador and now all up the Mexican Coast. I am jealous and dirty ( not the best combination) oh and it is Christmas or did you forget? Just want it over already. Just a nice fast forward into 2009 would be a blessing. That said however, I will continue on with reality as it stands taking it day by day and meal by meal with son who is now a hard core vegan ( like the vegetarian wasn't enough) can you even imagine? I have no patience calling around the friggen town looking for a SOY cheese pizza to be delivered!

I continue on my new favorite obsession/past time researching online where in the world my next home is going to be! Do I want to live in a conscious community, a spiritual ashram, an Eco- village, a surf ghetto? Will I get a job selling real estate in Costa Rica or work at the shaved ice shop in San Pedro Belize? Is it better to live at the coast, the jungle or the mountains? Would Panama or Honduras make more sense? When will I go? How do I get out of my lease? Should I get rid of everything I own? ( save the dog and laptop!!) The questions keep me happy and pushing on.

I want a big dessert right now and think that I will head out and get it.

Love you all,

and again I really do mean it ( for those of you who get into the whole thing) I wish you the Merriest, Happiest, Jolliest of EVERYTHING!

Just Love,

Patrice

Winter Solstice and the Travel Bug

2008-12-21T09:53:00.000-08:00

Happy Winter Solstice Everyone,

Starting tomorrow we get a little more light everyday-- Yes to that!!

I am feeling much better as a result of many inner and outer occurrences...

#1 Eli my seventeen year old son (who I have not seen in 6 months!) has come for a two week visit and once again, I realize he is the same snuggly boy that he has always been in spite of the fact that he never wants to email or talk to me on the phone while away.

#2 My new favorite past -time is researching online various places around the world where I can travel and or/ move to and this gives me pleasures that know, no end. You will no doubt be hearing much much more about this. In fact....

....#3 Mark and I spoke from his latest marina in Huatulco, Mexico and he is on the same page, he too has been bitten by the loveliest yet most persistent travel bug and we absolutely want to find a way to sell up and ship off...

#4 I have signed up to take a training to be a hospice volunteer-- the fact is that I have always wanted to do this. I am fascinated by death and amazed at how taboo a subject it is in our society...death being the absolute inevitably of Life! Because of my absolute conviction that what lies beyond is the friggen most glorious 5 star resort of the cosmos compared to the Earth Plane- I believe that it will be a comfort to the clients that I work with (all be within the last few months of their earthly sojourn) to have me come and hang. I cannot think of a more powerful in the moment honor and opportunity to spend sacred time with someone and I am thrilled to dive in and fulfill this longtime desire of mine. I've been dying to do it. ( bad pun)

#5 I have given myself full permission to spend the next few weeks as much as I can possibly handle simply, surrendering and enjoying- come January I will deal with all the harsh realities of my financial woes, career hurdles, you know all the crap that certainly can take a two week holiday without becoming any more of a catatstophe than they already are ( you might want to re frame that Patrice!)

Nahh--No reframing because, I also am not giving a damn how politically correct my energy is. F--k it! I am what I am in the moment is what I am - Sick of all the damn analyzing how I "supposed to be thinking" all the ding dong day. So know this, whatever I share with you is how I am feeling in the moment and EVERYTHING is subject to change. Alright are we clear on that-- don't want no more lectures, seminars, ways of speaking, affirmations-- sick of them. What I offer is Patrice in all her misery or glory as the case may be. DEAL.

#6 Oh and I am Remembering on a much needed level that GOD is with me all the time-- and that NOTHING ultimately is as important as that connection- No Really- NOTHING. The rest is really all one big drama/illusion/maya/passing show...

So Patrice, signing off, living in the moment, fantasizing about being an expat at this second in Paros, Greece, getting ready to go buy and tree and a menorah with my precious giant( 6' 3") boy, to sip Starbucks cafe mocha and not give a shit about getting the whipped cream too and allowing myself the tiniest yet most important crack of possibilities to remain open for Divine Miracles, (especially including those that have money, abundance, propserity dripping from them) actually coming on in to this very nice, extremely deserving, sure put enough spiritual elbow grease out there, Patrice Karst's Life!

I have been stuggling so long-- please Universe, I just want to play now... especially in some different parts of the world...K???

And as always-- While doing whatever the heck it is that you are all out there doing, there really is just one thing for us to be really up to all day- every day...

Just Love,

Patrice

The Wayward Child Returns Home

2008-12-18T09:24:00.000-08:00

Still Jet Lagged, Culture Shocked, Freezing Cold Spell, Mid Life Crisis, Christmas ( and all the accompanying triggers therein) Displaced, Confused, Broke, World Gone Crazy, Want to Run Away, Depressed, Exhausted by Life, Homesick, Lonely, Lost, I want a Mommy, Overweight, Beating Myself Up, Marriage a Mess,Un- Motivated, Frizzy, No Makeup( why bother?) and well, need I say more???

And somehow amidst it all I completely forgot that....

The answer to all that ails me is a medicine that comes from only one healer, doctor, pharmacy, hospital...I need an RX from God.

So I am checking myself in with Spirit, the angels, my elder brethren, my guides and teachers, my Source, my Holy Family for a while and I am placing myself in His, Her, Their care entirely...utterly--completely.

The Patient is ready...

Again.

Just Love,

Patrice

On Running Away From Home!!

2008-12-14T09:21:00.000-08:00

Okay so day one of re-entry and it isn't looking pretty--Culture shock and then some!!!

After a full day of traveling-- 2 taxi rides= one tram- one bus- 2 planes ( with 8 hour+flying time) I finally drag myself to the motel I had booked to at least have a place to land while I figure out what is next-- So there I was last night in a this miserable dark motel with a suitcase full of wrinkled tropical clothes in Los Angeles which is going through a cold spell. ( Now I know a bad day in LA is warmer than the rest of the country's winter) but coming from the warmth of the tropics, I am shivering inside and out. As drove there, the traffic, the billboards, the people all just looked alien and overwhelming to me. And I always feel the same when I return home-- I never feel happy- Duh Patrice- Ya think that might be something to look at?

I bring myself to unpack and set up shop so to speak and then promptly burst into tears-I can't get to the dogs that are boarded until tomorrow- Mark is at sea, I am feeling really short of friends and family and kind of a loser in that regard, I can't go home and am not sure where home even is anymore and I begin to wonder if there really isn't some kind of message in all of this...For years I have said that I want a different way of life. What then really, I ask myself is stopping me from going and getting it?

I just sort of want to disappear - off the grid--- Call it running, escaping, ditching out, pulling a "geographical" if you will-- I don't care what anyone thinks anymore--- I am kind of in a surreal state right now. at 49 1/2 years old, I am sitting in the motel and taking stock and you know what--it's a mess- just what am I doing here anyway, really?

I am in debt big time, I have been struggling to make it whatever "It" is all my life. Things have never been"normal" for me- I wouldn't know a 401k if it walked over and introduced itself. I just have never felt like I belonged here in the U.S, I seem to march to a distant drum. The values, the pressure, the beliefs, the pace-- not for me.

Though creatively, I have been blessed to have books published and the artist in me has gotten a chance to be heard-- none of that has put enough bread on the table to make much of a sandwich, I am still chasing the " all American dream" which quite frankly as I look around seems to have been more like "the all American nightmare" for many. I am an aging artist in Los Angeles- home of youth and beauty in ridiculous extremes-- It is a big city and somehow I still haven't found my tribe- my gang- my familia...
Is this really where I want to live out my years??? The answer comes back instantly and it is a bellowing NO!

So after calling my son Eli ( 17 and living with his dad hundreds of miles away to my great heartache) I practically beg him to be nice to me as I break down in tears and lo and behold he actually was. I can't wait to see him in a week- even though it's Christmas and we don't have a home to go to-- whether it is motel. hotel, or crashing on the boat- we will be together and that immediately warms the motel room immeasurably.

The fact remains that I would probably see him just as often if I lived in another country as I do now--There really is nothing keeping me here. Mark and I could easily have a long distance relationship-- it might even improve things drastically.

I go to sleep fitfully with all these questions and ponderings dancing through my jet lagged, culture shocked brain. I awaken at 6am to Mark calling from Costa Rica who had a really bad ride yesterday ( even he admitted that it was a good thing I wasn't there- which means it was really bad.) They hit bad weather apparently and it was really hairy for a while with things flying all over the boat-- they are okay thank God- It' funny, I sensed something coming, some slight danger. My intuition is alive and well, which is why I need to start listening and trusting it more than ever. Anyway they are shoving off this morning to make a push to Nicaragua or Guatemala depending on how well they are doing. He too expressed that he really wants to move down to the tropics. However, it is a little easier said than done.

I proceed to do some online research into U.S citizens relocating down there. It is rather daunting to say the least( the paperwork, the legalities,finding work, the shipping , selling, setting up,) and I have much to research- for now I want to give myself permission to go real easy on myself for the next few weeks. I will take everything hour by hour day by day... I will find my home and by God's grace the place where I belong. One thing that appeals to me is the whole ex-pat community thing. It seems that when Americans, Canadians and Europeans relocate, they tend to create their own wonderful families since there own are far away. Something about the common factor of choosing an alternative, out of the box type of reality forms a powerful bond. I can feel something happening inside of me. I can tell that it is indeed only a matter of time before I blow out of dodge and into the trade winds literally.

The adventure of it all is quite compelling. Stay Tuned!

Until then, I am off to get Jojo and Coco released from doggie jail ( boarding) and to be smothered in canine love- I can hardly wait!

Just Love,

Patrice

Going Home ( well, sort of)

2008-12-14T08:31:00.000-08:00

The Long Road Home

And then as quickly as it began, it was over and I find myself sitting in the screaming baby section of American Airlines flight 2160 Costa Rica- Los Angeles with a short connection in Dallas.

I can’t go home and have to move into a hotel for a month or more until the hazmat team finishes doing whatever they do to get rid of poisonous mold spores and the construction crew once again creates a bathroom in the place formerly known as my condo. I spent a large portion of the past few days racking up insanely expensive international cell phone bills trying to deal legally/ financially with my landlord, trying to find a hotel that can accommodate me, two dogs and my teenage son who is visiting for Christmas, which has been no easy feat, I found at least a place to go to for the first couple of days but at least then I will be back on home turf and can navigate what to do much easier—still it feels so weird that I am flying home but can’t enter my own home to get things that I need because they have been all packed up and sealed in plastic and to even open the door , I would be exposing myself to deadly air borne spores--- But I digress…

I loved Costa Rica! We ended up finding a slip after a 9 hour run at Los Suenos truly the swankiest marina/resort that I have ever been in. Mark was having a boating dude orgasm at all the multi million dollar sport fishing yachts, we dined, we explored…when the guys were busy fixing stuff and dealing with immigration and customs, I hired Oscar the taxi driver to take me on a tour of the Jaco and Hermosa Playa the cool beach communities chock full of Gringos, surfers, Ticas (the Costa Rican natives) head shops, cafes, restaurants, tour operators, bars, trippy artsy boutiques – just an all-round wonderful scene. He dropped me off and I wandered around, had a chocolate ice cream cone and taxied back to the boat.

Last night, I went downstairs to Marks cabin and crawled in with him for a snuggle which I hadn’t done in quite a while. It felt good. By 6:00 am I was packed and back in the taxi with my new Tica best friend Oscar, who takes me up into the beautiful mountains of Costa Rica for a yummy breakfast with the view to die for and off to the airport in San Jose - back to the expensive, vain, rat race that is Los Angeles, California…back to feeling chubby and broke and never quite enough.

The Costa Rican's have an expression that they greet each other with and it really has come to symbolize the whole Costa Rican belief and way of life-- Pura Vida!!! It means pure life..

I want that kind of life--I want to move to the tropics—I want the chill lifestyle, I want the incredibly inexpensive way of living and I want the warmth in my body and soul. I wonder how long it will take me till I bite the bullet and go for it. For now though I will try to keep the mellow vibe with me as I re-enter.

Thanks for sharing the journey with me.

Oh and by the way, softie Mark—who still has two thousand miles of sea to navigate the Lor-E-Lei to bring her home, (and whom I truly do adore in spite of how irritated my rants may have sounded,) started tearing up big time as Oscar put my luggage in the taxi and hugged me like he was never going to let go. You gotta love a man like that. And I do.

Just Love,

Patrice

Monkey Business and the Mold Nightmare

2008-12-11T17:23:00.000-08:00

Monkey Business on Every Level!

The highlight of our one-day layover in Golfito, Costa Rica was waking up a 5am this morning to go and see all the wild monkeys down the road. We had heard that hundreds of monkeys come down every dawn and if you bring bananas, you will get the treat of a lifetime. We were not disappointed. These were the most gentle sweet little creatures you can imagine, taking pieces of banana right from my hand is soft, swift movements. Adorable!

I spent the day yesterday mostly on my own wandering around the village while Mark and Joel spent hours fixing crap in the engine room, dealing with customs, and getting fuel. Golfito is true old Costa Rica, a third world sleepy little fishing village. Quaint and peaceful. And the locals are incredibly friendly to us Gringos. Quite a few Americans living here..they all seem to have the same story—came for a visit and never went back. Most of them have been here for 15+ years. I can’t blame them, it is quite magical.

But we are now on the road/sea again on our way to Los Suenos about 150 nautical miles away up in the Northern Pacific region of Costa Rica.

I am not getting along with Mark right now, his male ego is such that the slightest question that I have regardng the boat and the journey,seems to trigger him into jumping all over me. Case in point—I was talking to another yacht captain that was docked next to us and he told me that it took them 17 hours to get from Los Suenos to Golfito. Mark had estimated 10. So I thought that that was important information to tell him.

He went ballistic. Granted I can be very pushy at times, so maybe he just blew a fuse. I don’t do very well catering to a man’s ego especially when said man quite frankly has done very little to instill confidence in me on this trip. But his level of anger was ridiculous--(he later apoloized profusely). This trip and being together 24 hours a day has been very challenging to say the least. I’m not sure what will happen when we return. I love the man but the fact is that we are like oil and water; it is tumultuous, passionate and aggravating as hell. So between having a horrible cold war with my husband and getting really fed up with being on the water... then this great news just in!!!

My landlord just called on my cell phone and notified me that he has NO idea when I can move back in to my condo. There was some mold disaster in my unit as a result of a leak he was fixing while i was away and he has packed up my entire apartment in boxes and sealed everythihg in plastic. I can’t even enter my unit until the inspector comes and gives it a clean bill of health. And then some major construction begins which could be another two months. So now when the trip ends, I have no place to go, can't even get any of my stuff out, I have two dogs, my son is coming for Chrismas-- And I have got to figure the logistics of all this from three thousand miles away !

After all this travel, all I wanted to do was pick up my doggies, unpack, take a hot bath and settle in --Instead I have no idea where I will be staying after I land at LAX. You know what it is like, when you have been traveling all you wnat to do is get home! Needless to say , I am not a happy camper right now-- I know that there is some great gift is all of this, some wonderfu Universal lesson- but honestly right now, I can't seem to find it. Oy Vey!

Trying to Just Love,

Patrice

The Wind at our Back and a Following Sea

2008-12-10T05:39:00.000-08:00

Super long post covering several days--( I had a lot of time on the water to write)--sorry for the longwindedness--then again you know me! I never seem to be at a loss for words...

At a beautiful dawn on December 7, 2008, the show finally got underway as we left Marina Flamenco and off into the Pacific slowly making our way up the coast from Panama towards Costa Rica. The day could not be more spectacular. Thousands of birds fishing and the Bonita were literally leaping out of the water in this magnificent spectacle.

The sun is out, the water sparkly, it is hot but with the sea breeze and the occasional spray in my face and along my back, I am convinced that this is some kind of heaven. We are making really good time, clipping along at 14-18 knots. Captains Mark and Joel are totally in their element and in fine spirits as a result.

Joel has proved himself to be good crew so far, fixing things in the engine room, radios, navigational tools tying down the hatches and all manner of engineering/maintenance chores. He even drives the boat when Mark needs time off (like just now as we went down to “captain’s quarters” for a long overdue rumble) So I am choosing to see Captain Joel as an asset, even if he is incredible irritating.

Islands are scattered around this part of Panama like little jewels jutting out from the sea. Once we got past all the big ships in the Canal Zone, I suddenly realized that we are alone in the big blue ocean- not a vessel in site. This is both eerie, ( very big, very blue and very alone) and utterly magical. As the waves lift us up and down in the most rocking natural rhythm, and my seasick prevention patch giving me that yummy drowsy feeling, I imagine that I am being rocked to sleep but Mother God herself.

We have this wild Panamanian radio channel piping in to the speakers on deck. Oley!!! Fiesta music as only the Latinos can do and then the coolest Middle Eastern and world beat tunes. This yacht is so big that we can each be in different parts of it and have plenty of space. I am down in the Salon, Joel is eating fresh fruit upstairs and Mark is going back and forth fishing and looking for things he has misplaced (I can’t even comment on this anymore- it has cost me too much serenity already) so I am choosing to try to ignore his inner chaos (I have enough of my own thanks very much. Instead, I am determined to RELAX and have FUN.

We may carry on through the night if the seas stay calm all the way to Isla Cobeia where we will anchor and finally go swimming and snorkeling and where I keep reading that the whales are thick and playful.

I have no Internet right now so I am composing on my laptop and will cut and past when I get to an anchorage that has a wi-fi hot spot.

7pm
After a full day at sea, we found a safe looking anchorage (this after a couple of hours of searching for the spot Captain Mark had been headed for) when pressed; he finally admitted that he had lost his radar or something. Jeez, there is nothing that this guy isn’t capable of losing! But remembering my new resolution to go with the flow, Patrice keeps her mouth shut.

We did end up finding a beautiful spot on a truly deserted beach, save, one house up in the hills and a couple of thatched hut type dwellings on the sand.

As soon as we anchored we heard something that sounded to be a cross between sea lion and mountain lion howling at us from a small jungle island to our right. The roar continued till we realized it was a bunch of Howler monkeys welcoming (or warning) us to the hood.

Mark and I jumped in the water as soon as we were parked, and it was warm and lovely. I made a pretty yummy guacamole and we amused ourselves looking at fireflies and the strangest weird red bats that were flying around the stern of the boat attracted to our lights. Dozens of them dipping their wings in the water and circling us. Very cool!

Not much on the boat to do at night except eating and reading. I am thoroughly enjoying an abundance of both. I am deep in a hilarious book called The Sex Lives of Cannibals, a real life memoir from a guy that spend two years on a very primitive island in the South Pacific. Fitting and a really good read. Nothing like actually having the time to knock off many pages at a time, which I managed to do today. Twelve long languishing delicious chapters were consumed by a
(Believe it or not) now getting very mellowed, and nicely chilled, Patrice.

December 08 am

The days are all blending together and sometimes I have no idea what time or day it is…We have been at sea for two days, completely off of the grid. I have no idea what is happening in news world. And this can’t be bad! Last night Mark and I stayed up on the top deck, there is nothing like watching the moonlight glow on the water, while grilling chicken and the boat gently rocking in her anchor that makes one forget about all the noise in the brain that usually assaults. It was spectacular. Strange squealing and squalking from deep in the jungle to our right, Joel down below asleep and snoring happily in the salon’s recliner. We felt like it was just us. Only the distant light from a couple dwellings on the coast, the rest was all God—the waves, the birds, the silence….Ahhhh

Sleeping last night, not so good. Mark was paranoid that we had anchored too close to what we now affectionately had named Monkey Island and all the rocks surrounding it, created Mark deciding that a night watch was in order so as to make sure that we didn’t “drag anchor” and wake up to a yacht beached on the shore with monkeys eyeing us for breakfast. He didn’t feel comfortable that our anchor alarm we had set on the GPS could be trusted if we started drifting, so he chose to stay up most of the night.

This decision made me miserable—since I have taken to claiming the large couch in the salon (living room) as my sleeping crook (I just don’t like being claustrophobic down below), I heard his every move—all night snack-a-thon complete with fridges, freezers, drawers, microwaves and cupboards being opened and shut every few minutes, lights going on and off, various, buzzers, beepers and alarms sounding for no apparent reason, his continual marching around the boat, hatches and doors gone in and out of. It was all just unnerving to say the least.

By 3am I was at my wits end and begging him to shut the f—k up and go to bed. I tried sleeping in his downstairs bunk but hated it and was quite frustrated when I came back up to finally see him crashed out on the couch—my couch!

Eventually he decided that we were'nt going to be going anywhere we were'nt supposed to be in the nights, so he grudgingly went downstairs to sleep, the couch was mine once again. I drifted hungrily into dreamland. By 6am we were all up and at ‘em again and by 6:30 we shouted our goodbyes to the monkeys and were on the roll once more. We have a good little routine going on now- we all know our particular duties and all in all we seem to making quite a nice team. We are now clipping along on route to Isle Coiba, which is a national marine park rich with underwater life, whales reefs.

I can’t wait to get there and get deep into the water—I love the world underneath the surface (in more ways than one!)

December 08 3:30pm

After a strong 7 hours at sea with visits from spinning dolphins that were surfing our wake, we anchored at a little cove in Coiba National Park and Marine Preserve. Mark and I swam to shore to discover a little island that time forgot—iguanas of multi- colors, monkeys swinging in the trees, Tito the crocodile (who had his own sign warning people not to swim in his lagoon) and various other creatures. I snorkeled a bit but didn’t see too many fish, just lots of coral, sea anenomies, and crabs etc…

Okay so big adventure moment of the trip happened at around 5pm, we had re anchored ourselves after some locals in ponga came by and told us (in Spanish no less that we needed to move the boat because we were in much too shallow of water. We ended up next door to the only other boat in the middle of the ocean. This funky barge that has a full on bar/café/hotel if you will, for hardcore fisherman dudes that come and stay on “Pesca Panama” and Jay the proprietor/ captain and his Panamanian crew and fleet of little fishing boats take these guys out or some serious fishing. Any way the place was so trippy looking that we were really curious what it was all about.

Now here is where it got interesting, I had decided to go for another afternoon swim/snorkel but no sooner had I jumped in the water when Jay and his crew started screaming at me to get out of the water. Mark is turning white as I swam back to the boat. Turns out that not only crocodiles, but bull sharks and tiger sharks are very prevalent here and if I wanted to go back to Los Angeles with all of my limbs in tact then I better get out like NOW.

So Al who is now my lifesaver calls us on the radio, who comes on over by one of his boats to for a visit with a couple of his Panamanian crew. He comes aboard, makes himself right at home and fills our ears with tales of his long oceanic career as a captain and fisherman who has lived out in these very same Panamanian waters for 20 years. I get us invited back to his place and so he whisks us all over to the “Pesca Panama’ introduces his current clients on board, (all different age dudes from all over the US that live in cramped, dude smelling, 4 to a cabin bunks all for the love of “The Catch”)

Jay’s hospitality does not end there as he has his bartender serve us up cocktails, his two Panama lady cooks bring us out this spicy appetizer full of shrimp, squid, octopus, crab and fresh fish…So sitting out of the back of his barge looking at the Lor-E- Lei and realizing that we are really out here in the middle of the sea—I am downright blissed out.

Then the icing on the cake, I mention that I would love to catch a fish and with that Jay calls over one of his fisherman who proceeds to help Mark and I catch two huge Jackfish, which they proceed to cut, clean and hand back to us ready for grilling, which Mark did and we all sat up on the top deck of the boat eating fish that was less than a hour old and gently rocking in the balmy Panama night air.

It does not get better than this.

Footnote: When I was sitting by myself for hours today, I fell into a beautiful meditation/prayer moment with God. What came to me as I started pray was that I clutch at prayer with a panicked clinging stance—I was guided instead to open my palms, my heart, my mind and being—to simply allow goodness to happen, grace, miracles…blessings. It was nothing that I haven’t heard, studied, read for most of my life and yet the metaphor of the letting go of the terror grip I have had with God and instead trusting and allowing just seemed so much easier to understand on a deeper level while being hypnotized by Mother Ocean for hours on end.

As I sat looking out the stern of the boat I imagined leaving behind all the “ painful stories” of my life and as I moved to the bow and looked forward as we sped through the sea, I imagined all the adventures and wonder yet to be had.

If somehow, fate/destiny/God/ My vibration has so created or allowed me being out in the middle of the Pacific in Panama with my husband on a million dollar yacht grilling jackfish that we just caught outside in the warmest most beautiful night air--- well, just what other dreams are might be dropping by.

This vacation is most certainly underway.

Just Love,
Patrice

December 09 7am

I awoke at 4am and decided to go outside and see what might be going on in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the sea—when I looked up, I gasped, the cloudless sky was blanketed with millions of twinkling stars- outrageous beautiful stars. I woke Captain Mark to come see them with me, and before long Captain Joel was out there with us too.

It has always struck me how “star” deprived we as a modern civilization are. The only stars that we seem to care about are celebrities! Meanwhile since time began, mankind has been able to look up at the wonder of our galaxy and the countless others that live out there. To ponder his place in the universe. Then came all the lights of the cities and 99% of the stars we now never see. I consider this a tragedy. To not be able to see the true night sky and therefore our own truth as spiritual as beings in the universe is very damaging, I believe. Why don’t we turn lights off at night? I want my stars back!!

Anyway, I was blessed with three shooting stars before I came back in to crash for another couple of hours.

Mark and Joel got Lor-E-Lei ready for today’s journey and at 6am we snuck out into the early morn watching the sun rising up and reaching out from the horizon.

Next stop Gofito, Costa Rica, Banana Bay Marina!

2:30

After a full 8 hours on the water we are just now rounding into Costa Rica…We still have another few hours till we will reach Banana Bay Marina and finally get internet and some land for a bit. I am craving some terra firma for a decent stretch. Highlight of the day so far: Dolphins, Mark loses a huge Dorado fish but brings in a big Bonita (which he then released) oh and a little thing called. We may be running out of fuel! Now neither one of the guys will out and out tell me this. But how else do you explain after hushed conversations between themselves, complete with odd guilty worried looks and gestures, several hours ago we went from 14 down to 8 knots, turned of the generator which now means that all GPS’s and charts tells me that something is up. When pressed they both have the same preplanned pat answer, we just want to conserve fuel. Well in my mind that is another way of saying “ we may not have enough fuel to get us to our marina to fill up.”

I am trying not to panic by making killer tuna fish sandwiches for us all and sitting on the bridge listening to Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin on an ipod.

I am becoming so mellow from all these days being
Rock a bye babied by the water, that even the thought of running out of fuel in the middle of nowhere is not carrying the same level of terror that it would have if I were not feeling catatonically medicated by a cocktail of the seasick patch, the movement, the humidity and the sheer relaxation of it all. And that is probably a good thing.

I am just praying while listening to The Dark Side of the Moon to please let us get there, while stealing all of the M&Ms out of the giant trail mix bag and searching the horizon for whales.

I think that I could get used to this.

post note-- we arrived at the Banana Bay Marina in Golfito, Costa Rica in the dark and with just enough fuel. Awoke this morning to the most beautiful sounds and colors--went exploring in the village with Mark and bought bananas for the monkeys that we are going to visit after breakfast...This beautiful marina is right in the rainforest...God I love the tropics and I have really good HAIR! From all the moisture I finally have the perfect ringlets that no amount of product could ever achieve.

And that is reason enough to move down here. And in 3 years..Patrice will do just that-- live in a place with warm water, warm air and most of all warm people.

More later,

Just Love!

Patrice

Abandon Ship

2008-12-06T04:48:00.001-08:00

Almost bailed ship last night.. and I would have had it not been for a bad Internet connection and the fact that I don't even have a home to go back to since my entire bathroom has been demolished and won't be ready for another week ( see my post " The Great Bathtub Deception)

It had all been brewing for some time as you could probably tell from my updates, but the straw that almost broke the camels back and sent Patrice packing happened when I realized that we would not be pushing off today as planned because somehow we didn't get the right documents to clear port authority and leave Panama. This of course would not have happened if anyone has listened to me when I made a point of telling all the captains that we needed to make sure we were all clear on how to clear. No one bothered to pay attention, and this resulted in a total fiasco at the customs office complete with flailing arms, raised Spanish voices, clueless clerks, even more clueless captains Mark and Joel who started ganging up on me telling me to let them handle it ( yeah right! these two are like Mutt and Jeff) and would have still been flailing if I hadn't threatened to abandon ship if they didn't get our proper ship agent on the phone to sort the mess out. And that no I was not going to hand over my passport to them to take a taxi into Panama City at night to try and get it handled.

Anyway, I got distraught at all the bumbling idiocy going on, the feeling of being out numbered by fools, how long it is taking to finally get this ship a sailing, my own depressive tendencies ( that by the way had not vanished just because I have traveled 3,000k miles away) and the new and hideous roll of fat around my belly that has arrived from massive shoving in for days now of trail mix that I have been using to medicate. No kidding, I finally took a glance at the packaging and I think I had been eating four thousand calories a day in friggen crack trail mix.

Now I feel like a rolly polly just like the boat and this has done nothing to add to my already dicey self- esteem. So in a moment of desperation, I tried to go on-line and make reservations to get out of here. When nothing was working Mark convinced me to go have a bit to eat and something about his gesture and long overdue sweet side that he was pouring on to try to keep his wife from ditching the cruise, the lit up Panama skyline, watching the Lor-I-Lai bobbing so sweetly on the slip, the yummy balminess of the night air, delicious pasta pomador and the fact that for some reason, I couldn't figure out where to fly anyway without my safe haven of home to retreat to-- resulted in me saying WTF?

So I am once again aboard and on board and if the weather window looks promising we will be finally getting underway tomorrow!

Today, we will explore the Marina, clear customs with the right document, may be do a bit of fishing, basic yacht provisioning and what ever else unfolds. In fact, I am off to find some fun, get kissy with Captain Mark who I have been "beating up" pretty bad for his ADD and to seriously shake up my attitude and thus start a whole new chapture of this trip called " When it got fun!"

Oy Vey.

Just Love,

Patrice

Mega Yachts and Tensions Rising

2008-12-05T07:25:00.000-08:00

Sitting, drinking "Cola Light" at the swankiest Marina in Panama ( and maybe all of Central America), Marina Flaminco! . The richest of the jet-setting Latin Americans, celebrities and wealthy cruisers on their way to and from the Caribbean are all docked in each one more incredible than the other, multi million dollar luxury yachts. We are parked next to the Princess Mariana one of the most famous yachts in the world that circumnavigates the globe with a full time crew of 25, it's own helipad for the owners who fly on and off the Princess as the whim strikes , and is so opulent she is almost blinding. I am determined to get invited on for a tour and am strategizing my move as they have strict orders to not let Looky Lou's ( like me) on board.

So I am here at the air conditioned Market Place Cafe quite contentedly writing this while Captains Mark and Captain Joel are off fixing radios, filling up on 2k worth of diesel fuel and checking provisions before we take off, most likely tomorrow, for our first bay to anchor in after a 200 mile run somewhere between here and Costa Rica.

The Panama Canal took 2 days to get through as we had to moor at Lake Gatun overnight because of weather and other middle of the night scheduling issues that came up.

Now picture this...we had to get through two days of weird silent and sometimes not-so-silent brooding tension between the owners of the boat- this extremely odd and multi loaded mid-western couple Tammy and Fred and their two attention starved kids who clung on to me for two days and calling me Princess Patrice (which I actually quite liked), Captains Bob and Captain John ( who after traveling 3500 miles with the "the family" are spent and taking no prisoners) Fred's best friend this completely milk toast Oklahomian named Jim, and now Captains Joel and Mark, me and the Panama Canal Adviser that travels with us to get through all the locks okay. Even though this is a nice big yacht , 12 people that are not getting along is 12 too many as we wind our way through the Canal.

At first I wasn't fully aware of just how bad tensions were when Tammy, Fred, the kids and I went on a walk, looking for Howler Monkeys in the jungle near Shelter Bay before we began the transit.

I found plenty of monkeys, as Fred and Tammy filled my ears with how awful the passage with the two soon to be leaving, (as we the west coast crew takes over) Captain Bob and John have been. Apparently not pleased at all ( and who can blame them really) that the family was going along the whole way, Bob and John have been getting increasingly intolerant of the kids, and this created Tammy pulling rank and treating them like hired help and all sorts of dramas have unfolded and continue as we all pull away from the dock a few hours later in the middle of the night in the middle of the Canal with freighters and cruise ships and tankers surrounding us in this kind of eerie parade of lights through the locks and deeper into the canal.

Captains Bob and John also feel the need to tell us their version of the trials and tribulations of their journey with "the owners and brats from Hell" whenever Tammy and company are out of earshot. And how a complete mutiny was only narrowly avoided.

When it is obvious that all twelve of us will now be spending the night on board together, the tension is so thick that even the sharpest of knives could not begin to cut it .

Meanwhile.... I am getting so sick of Captain Joel who is turning out to be a lecherous creepy dude giving me weird little looks and comments like ," oh that sundress looks so nice on you- you really are a California girl aren't ya" and staring at me comlpletely inappropriately-- ICK! He is also really hard of hearing and refuses to wear his hearing aids so I have to repeat everything 8 times. And is one of those people who LOVES to hear himself talk, and talk and talk...He is driving me mad already and we have only just begun.

Captain Mark, meanwhile is just plain annoying and oblivious most of the time to everything that is going on with the various camps on the boat. As always, I am acutely aware of the the whole cast of characters and the odd dance that is playing out before me.

I awaken after no sleep due to Captain Marks incessant, unnerving snoring all night, and we sit idling in the lake for the next 2 and a half hours till it is our turn to head through the last three locks that will bring us from the Atlantic into the Pacific.

And the hours pass like molasses as I switch back and forth from coloring picture book after picture book to keep the kids happy and not screaming bloody murder to wandering throughout the boat wondering why the fuck no one tells you ever that ...

The Panama Canal is the most boring overrated wonder of the world I have ever experienced.

After you have seen tons of big ships and mile after mile of jungle so friggen what....not to mention smelling all the exhaust from the diesel fuel at each lock and the ensuing "fire drill" of way too many men "chiefs" all screaming at each other and scrambling for ropes, and fenders.

Finally some real excitement happened in the form of fast storm that literally came after nowhere suddenly engulfing us, complete with cracks of lightening and thunder that could rival the most over the top B horror film. It was a National Geographic moments as we are entering the locks and the boat is being tossed like a piece of candy and crashes into the sides, the kids are screaming and clutching me because mom Tammy is to busy freaking out as her Nikon camera went flying. Fred the owner gets shocked by the electric charge from the lightening but lives to tell about it- everyone is drenched, and slipping and falling and it is wild and I am loving every sheer moment of it because now finally something interesting is happening.

Then, as quickly as it began, it is over, we grill our prawns for lunch pass through the last locks uneventfully and arrive with Captain Mark who has now taken over the helm, at Marina Flamenco.

I am ready for the white sand beaches, fruity drinks and snorkeling that I had been promised when I set out on this journey. Captain Mark promises me that they are coming. So far nothing has turned out to be the tropical vacation I had pictured.

I have now been in Panama for a week and have yet to put my toes in the ocean, which is way over due.

I miss my Coco ( sausage dog) but little else and so I feel no immediate urge to cut out early. Now that the the old crew and family are gone, we have this gorgeous million dollar floating toy to play with , and play , I plan too. Needles to say, I am eager to untie the ropes and GO!

I'm off to find my husband Mark ( screw the captain crap- it's getting old) and try to expedite things.

No doubt more coming soon...

Meanwhile,

Just Love!

Patrice

Transitions

2008-12-03T05:03:00.000-08:00

Well, the next phase of the journey has begun, we are headed up to Shelter Bay on the Caribbean side of Panama to join the Lor- E-Lai our soon to be home for the next few weeks. A plush 63 ft motor yacht, upon whom, we shall make the Panama Canal Transit. Captain Joel has arrived and he seems like an okay guy to be on an adventure with. Made the mistake of accepting an invitation to eat pizza with a bunch of American cruisers ( those that live on their boats and travel the world) that are here in Panama that proceeded to scare the shit out of me mentioning things like the Papagallo Winds and the Techwantapecers--(hugh????) to watch out for that can be treacherous (even deadly!!!) the thiefs that love to rip off cruisers so" never ever let anyone on your boat or leave the boat by itself," all the dicey parts of Nicaragua, Guatemala, Mexico that are best to say the hell away from unless of course you are escaping the Papagallos and the Techwantapecers-- Great!

Meanwhile they are telling me all of this while, Mark is off doing God knows what afer he recently slipped away from the table and I'm begging them to hold off on all this "wonderful information" till he gets back. Because quite honestly they were making me wonder if I was about to take my life in my own hands My new expats around the table carry on with" oh my God, gosh,your husband is undertaking this with only Catalina experience? What do you mean you don't have a sideband radio? I had not been feeling alot of faith in him recently anyway. He is an absent minded professor which was quite endearing in the first couple of months of dating but no so cute 4 1/2 years laters when facing a potential death cruise "what if he forgets his charts? what if he really doesn't know what he is doing ?Maybe he bit off more than he can chew and the machismo in him can't let him admit it?"

But after a lot of reassuring by Mark and now Captain Joel I am feeling confident enough again that we will be "more that fine" and I am carrying on as planned.

This by the way brought up all manner of heated discussion around why I don't have "faith in my man" which I don't have time to go into now--trust me when I tell you this vacation is bringing up more than a sun tan.

Gotto go--

Off to the 8th wonder of the world the transition between the Atlantic and the Pacific Ocean and more personally for me, between fear and faith.

Just Love,

Patrice

Raining

2008-12-02T13:35:00.000-08:00

Bored, raining, grumpy, sweaty, raining, overeating, waiting, raining, reading, thinking, looking out over the ocean, pondering, sleeping, raining, mellow, anxious, sleepy, balmy, dreamy, frustrated.... did I mention raining?

Ships Passing in the Night

2008-12-01T14:25:00.000-08:00

The fact is that I am sitting here on the deck of my hotel on the beautiful Amador Causeway on this warm tropical sunsetting over the bay, magical Panama Day.

The other fact is that I am feeling the pressure to blog about this whole trip, keep a commentary up about it, and this being the first traveling that I have done since blogging became my new #1 hobby/obsession 3 months ago. Let me put it to you this way--"Our issues are coming up."

I am that three month mark that is a pivotal turning point in intimate relationships. Seriously there are books and experts galore that tell you that at the three month mark-- the "honeymoon phase" wanes and often is when a relationship will either move forward or die.

So Blog and I are having one of those " no it's not you it's me" dialogues, whereby I am saying that I feel a little claustrophobic, it's all getting to be bit much, I m getting scared, you're taking up too much of my time and getting too needy, I don't know if I can keep this up, maybe we should start to see other people...Before I started blogging, I wasn't letting anyone down if I disappeared for a bit. . And Blog and I are going through that now," you mean you come on vacations with me too!?" Do I have to hang out with you every day, every week? What exactly do you want from me, anyway? You could say that we are setting the boundaries and seeing what is comfortable and just if and how this can work with both of us being happy . I trust that we will figure this out.

I guess this a roundabout way of saying to you that I may check out for a while, as I continue this particular adventure.

(Fact is that I maybe back writing in an hour) You know how that works- once you feel free.....

But

Right now, in this very precious moment, I need to sign off. I am just not sure if I can fully be Here.. and with You at the same time....

Tonight I feel the call.....It is time for me to sink in and soak it up.

So this is Patrice taking her leave to the sounds of sweet Latin music beginning to fill up the street as twilight paints the sky with her shadows and light, I am sitting in Panama watching boats bob in the harbor and the smell of barbecues wafting up from the restaurants all around and I once again feel the embrace that only travelling seems to be able to give me.

What a huge and different world this planet of ours really is , wow, it gives me pause. My joy on planet Earth, is experiencing who I am from different vantage points-- at different spots all over the world. And I have needed this journey for a long time. i have lots to sort out, Ahhh, the balmy comforting air is warming parts of my being that were getting chilled. And in this moment...Lo and Behold!

I feel Alive.

Oh and one more thing, when I was little and living in England, sometimes late at night I would hear the sounds of foghorns blowing. It was a hauntingly beautiful sound to me. My mother used to say that it was the sound of ships passing in the night.

Just now, Mark came over and told me to get my head out of the computer and look up. To which I saw two giant container ships pass by each other each making their transit through the Panama Canal and off to parts of the world unknown. It was truly ships passing in the night. And that made me think about all of us. We are all passing by each other on our own journeys far and wide. Thank you for every moment that you choose to pass with me.

I will be back- you can count on it.

Until Then,

Just Love,

Patrice

Pictures from Panama

2008-11-30T17:06:00.000-08:00

Hi Guys,

I am super tired after a long and wonderful day so I will just post these pics for you tonight... more to come

just love,

Patrice

The Sun Also Rises!

2008-11-30T06:41:00.000-08:00

Okay guys,

This will be a quickie as the sun has finally come out. This after 3 days of unrelenting rain in Panama. The entire country has been flooded out for weeks- so of course that's when I would arrive!! But being the great travel trooper that I am, I made lemonaide out of the rain soaked lemons.

Highlights so far, one night in Gamboa deep in the rainforest ( did I say rainforest!) at a georgous resort which though stunning, is not how to see Panama. I don't want to be hanging out with tourists so much when I travel ( the comradery is fun and helpful sometimes- you went where and did what?-)Where I get really juiced up is when I get out with the people that actually live in the new world that I find myself traveling in.

We had a great early evening wandering the streets of Panama City in search of a "pharmacia" for my sore throat ( yes I have managed to get sick) - joy!!!

It is a real melting pot this Panama, a true international city, on our walk we saw orthodox Jews in all their gear headed to temple, East Indians in their saris and punjabs, Asian, Europeans, Americans, and all manner of Latin Americans all going about their buisiness in the city they call home. After a great dinner at the hotel Intercontinental Miramar right on the waterfront, I lay in bed looking at the truly beautiful Panamanian skyline...Hundreds of needle thin huge sky scrapes all lit up and magical. Then suddenly Captain Mark ( and let me say that we have been at odds with each other so far- chalk it up to frazzled jet-lagged, rain soaked nerves) yells out "Fireworks!" and sure enough to our amazement an esqusite display over the water unfolded before our eyes. Not sure of the occasion, but a treat none the less.

Awoke this morning to bright sunlight streaming in, so we are off to explore.

More later...

Just Love from Panama to all of you,

Patrice

On the Hellish flight to El Salvador

2008-11-28T12:42:00.000-08:00

Okay, it is no secret to any of you by now that I do not exactly have the ability to keep my mouth shut about how I am feeling, especially when I am feeling miserable…. and Oh Lordy, am I MISERABLE… I have done a lot of flying in my day but never have I experienced anything quite like this…

It is 4 am we have been flying for 3 ½ hours now since leaving LAX on American Airlines flight 797 red eye with my husband Mark on en route to Panama and Costa Rica by way of San Salvador the capitol city of El Salvador.

Discomfort has given way to despair as we have been smashed in with 300 El Salvadorian natives, it appears that are used to being literally packed in like sardines (actually, I believe that sardines would have better experience) The seats sit bolt upright with barely any ability to recline even the slightest bit, I am sitting so close to my next door neighbor, a sweet El Salvadorian man named Jose whose entire life story I now seem to know, (even though he speaks very little English and I very little Spanish) as a result of our new found close proximity to one another.

Poor Jose, is going home to visit momma as he does several times a year, since he got his arm crushed at the machine job he worked at. Anyway, the point is that Jose and I have become fast friends as the result of the seats being so tight together that we are honestly almost sitting in each other’s laps. But wait, there’s more….. It is stiflingly hot, I am hyperventilating, the turbulence is out of control, dozing is impossible sitting bolt upright in Jose’s lap, and I am trying to repeat my newly created mind of matter over matter mantra that goes something like,” I will not die, I will not die,” as I gasp for breath.

Said mantra is not working at all. So I have been forced to resort to praying, bitching and begging the overworked and not- moved- whatsoever to my pleas for help crew to let me move up to the one seat that I can see thought the curtain is still open in their version of “business class”. At least up there they appear to be somewhat normal size seats that have some sort of ability to recline, but my sob story of panic attacks, phobias, hyperventilation, and my final appeal to have them let me have the seat if I gave them the upgrade right now on my credit card,
has all been met by deaf ears and the kind of smug smirk that makes me think that they may get some kind of evil pleasure at seeing the “so used to comfort Gringo”, just having to deal!

I swear, I did not think it was even legal to put people through this… not for a five hour flight, not for 799$ a pop and not on American Airlines for the love of God!

The only bright news in all of this is that I have discovered reason #249 of how blogging has changed my life—are you ready? At God knows how many thousands of feet up in the air, in the boiling El Salvadorian sardine flight from Hell, I now feel with a certain confidence that I didn’t have when I started this blog that I will indeed live and be able to write you of more wonderful chapters of this Panama journey that I just know are coming soon. I have managed to get through the panic attack, I have killed at least an hour, gotten all this off of my chest (and speaking of chests, I even managed to free" the girls" without Jose or Mark who is sitting other side of me and trying his best to deal with an out of control wife on an out of control miserable flight), by taking off my bra under the blanket. This, by the way, took some brilliant maneuvering and worked out so well. I was immediately able to breathe better. Bras are torture devices in the best of times and on this flight….well, let’s just say—it was one hell of a smart thing to do! Aaaahhhhh.....

Yeah, I just heard that we are on final descent--- I made it. I lived!

More later,

Just Love,

Patrice

T'was the Day Before Turkey...

2008-11-26T12:35:00.000-08:00

....and all through the town, The Christmas lights were going up and Patrice was getting ready to fly to Panama!

What? Yes siree, Patrice is getting ready to go on a grand adventure with Captain Mark ( also known as her husband). Mark, who is a boat captain, got a gig bringing a million dollar yacht up from Panama through the Canal, Costa Rica and Mexico to it's final resting spot in Marina del Rey, California. When I first heard about this journey, I told him in no uncertain terms that I was going. He knew better than to disagree, good boy- that Mark.

Anyway, as much as he may of had visions of being away from all things familiar including his often irritating wife, he will have plenty of "solo dude sea time" when I get off the boat after a few legs of the trip ( Captain Joe will be joining us who I have never met- God I hope he's at least interesting)... I will not be going the whole distance, because #1 son Eli ( who you know from prior posts has been missing in action from my life, since he moved to his oh-so-organic vegan and not my favorite person in the world dad's house in Santa Cruz) is coming for Christmas and I will be back for that with bells on!

That said, we bought a one way ticket for me to Panama and depending on how well the sea sick patch works, the weather, and how much of being stuck on a yacht with Captain Mark and Captain Joe, I can handle ( yes I do love him, but several weeks at sea with him...not so sure... and god forbid I say front and back instead of bow and stern, if you get my drift) I may get off after a week in Panama, or I may carry on to Costa Rica-- ( oh, who am I kidding? Of course I'm going to go to Costa Rica no matter what!) heck, the boat has three staterooms..I'll have plenty of space ( she says hopefully) So I may just carry on with the journey, if all is going well, through many ports of Mexico until time runs out and I have to get back to Eli. Then I'll find the closest port with an International airport and fly home.

I AM EXCITED! From as far back as I can remember, I have loved adventures. Travel adventures being the very best kind of all. Put Patrice in a place as far removed from anything she remotely recognizes and the happier she is ( not sure why I keep referring to "her" in third person today--weird). This wanderlust has taken her through Europe, India, Malaysia, Taiwan, Mexico, Belize, Guatemala and now she gets to add on Panama and Costa Rica to the list...weeeeeee!!!!

No doubt, I will be blogging from the water to let you all know first hand what is happening...in all it's nitty gritty details. As soon as the trip begins, Mark says that I will then be his crew ( whatever the hell that means to him)

Wish us luck, Captain Mark ( he just loves being called that- so to keep him happy, I will-- smart woman- me) though a great sailor, has never made a passage of this magnitude before So it is a right of passage for him in the truest sense of the word. His claim to fame prior to this has been Catalina 30 miles away... Panama is 3,0000...so I am kind of taking a big risk here, but what the hey, it's only a bunch of zeros, you only live once and Panama and Costa Rica! on a plush fully loaded ( think plasma screen and leather lazy boy recliners in the salon etc..) 61 foot yacht is good enough for me. He is supremely confident in his ability to not kill us so....I'll go with that.

So on on this day before Happy Turkey and heaps of Thanks, I wish you all farewell , I'll be back at you very soon.

Oh, and my thanks go out to you for letting me share all these little pieces of the Patrice pie with you ... It's fun to share.

As always....

Just Love!

Patrice

The Complainer That Lives Within

2008-11-25T10:23:00.000-08:00

It was occurring to me as I got ready to write this blog- that my ass was hurting from the hard wooden seat underneath me...As you know from a prior post, I have been on the search to find my perfect cafe to set up shop in. An escape from the monotony of being a work at home writer...

So I am sitting here at Novel Cafe take Two--( after my miserable failure a couple of days ago!) Today however is a new day and I finally have the perfect spot-- wonderfully coolish, by the window, extension chord long enough, signed up for a full day wireless access so no more annoying interruptions every hour to log in all my credit card information. I have already eaten a mediocre but not altogether horrible chocolate croissant, the music is nice and mellow, the crowd the same and.... My Butt Hurts.

This latest distraction, I have been trying my best to work through as I answered emails, checked out some blog discussion forums ( by the way-- How I ask myself, does anyone have time to blog when they are so busy trying to get followers to theirs and reading all the other people's and I have not come up with that answer yet)

I am dancing as fast as I can trying to get up to speed in the Blogosphere that I have entered and I still feel light years behind...and speaking of behinds -Mine Hurts!

I decided when I first began to blog a few months ago that rather than sitting around trying to figure out just what exactly to blog about each time, that I would simply write what was on my mind in the moment- go where the energy was so to speak and right now the energy is that what I am sitting on is a totally uncomfortable wooden chair. What? No cushions?? How, I ask you, is a perfectly lovely blogger supposed to plant themselves down and let the muse take over, when said blogger's ass is on fire???

Didn't they even consider this- I mean come on--couldn't the owners of the cafe have put a little thought into MY comfort level?

Then I look around. There are a good twenty other writers here this morning all happily plugged in and pounding blissfully away on their keyboards ...No one brought their own cushion and no one else seems to be as miserably aware of their bodily discomfort as I am. Then again if someone was looking a me right now, I probably seem to be pretty happy myself. Oh the things that go on behind the scenes of one's thoughts..if we only knew-- actually isn't that what blogging is about!

Ahhh yes. And so I decide, actually my gift, my truth, my honesty is EXACTLY what I have promised you in my initial plug to "keep it real" This promise is infact even in the subtitle for my entire blog. I consider it my duty and my honor to tell it to you ( nothing held back) as it is - at the time- in all it's full glory ( or horror as the case often seems to be)

But why, I begin to obsess about , "Why am I such a complainer??? What is it in me that can just never roll with the punches that life inevitably throws out, with having a big commentary on each and every injustice," ( today's being, the lack of comfortable seating!)

My husband, (who was obviously raised in a non- complaining family--you know the type, they could get served worms on rice at a restaurant and still would quietly munch away--not wanting to make waves!) thinks that I am hell on wheels.

Not only do I make waves, I am a full on Sunami ! And I tell you this , not because I am proud of it ( ok, may be just a tad-- I do tend to get things happening where others have no luck) but because it fascinates me. Am I simply making up for all the "meekies" that never raise hell or complain, or speak their mind?

My family was known to try on three resteraunts in the course of one evening until one was okay. I am not kidding, humiliating as it was, my dad would up and drag us out, if the seating was not up to par, or the waitress took a few minutes too long getting over to us, or if there was a draft.... is it any wonder that I'm a mess?

It sure isn't the most attractive characteristic that I posses, this bitchy whiner that lives within. But in the spirit of acceptance , I will try not to judge "her" for the moment.

Here is my truth: I have absolutely no tolerance for stupidity, I wouldn't know patience if it slapped me upside the head, slow service, hard seats, automated voice mail systems "press 22 if you have ever had a cuticle removed in the third week of June" are only the tip of the iceburg of my list of gripes on this frustrating Planet Earth.

And now I realize that I have spent my entire allotted blog writing time today once again , complaining. Not at all what I had imagined I would be creating when I plopped down this morning.

I am sure that this continuous stream of irritations that goes on within me needs some prompt attention and I will have to get to that one of these days- until then I am off to find another cafe with a softer place to land.

Now, in my last defense, I must say this-- as much as I bitch and moan, when all is said and done-- I do have a really good heart, really!...I have met a lot of people who on the outside were full of smiles and soft kisses but dig just a bit deeper and you would find a stone cold person, that would leave you lying in the gutter without a thought, while other seeming "gruffies" on the outside, when I searched a little further had marshmallow hearts and the warmest of souls-

What lives inside truly does, in the end, matter.

That said, it is time for me to quiet the complainer that lives within me just a bit. If not for any other reason than because there just might be something grand to learn from it...not to mention having a kinder more gentle spirit in the world...

Till then-- I will...

Just Love,

Patrice

My Utter Failure at the Novel Cafe

2008-11-23T15:09:00.000-08:00

So here I am, tropical iced tea in hand, at a darling little french cafe- The Panini in Venice Beach, California. I have moved my base of operation here after my absolute disaster at the Novel Cafe down the street yesterday.

Here's what happened (not that I really want to relive it but maybe I'll feel better afterwards -- at least that is my big hope)

First of all let me back up a bit. One of the reasons that I moved to this neighborhood was for the creative stimulation. Venice Beach is a place like no other...think-- being dressed up in pajamas with a Mohawk while wearing leopard skin stilettos, smoking a fat doobie, walking down the street with a drum and screaming to yourself while no one sees anything out of the ordinary . Nothing whatsoever is unacceptable here, whoever-whatever you are... you are welcome.

Think-- cosmopolitan. At any given time you will hear snippets of passionate conversations in Greek, Japanese, Italian, Spanish, Yiddish, French, Hindi oh and throw in some Cockney English..and yes plenty of good 'ole American sounds too. This is the home of artists, writers, filmmakers, spoken word performers, drummers and dreamers, dancers, jugglers and wandering sadhus all living, working, performing together in what has to be one of the most eclectic, bohemian, avante guarde beach communities anywhere.

And the cafes! At last count there were sixteen of them all within walking distance of my new home. A writers paradise indeed.

So of course when I moved here, I had visions of doing my writing no longer trapped in the confines of my stir -crazy making four walls, but in a groovy cafe with all the stimulation that good cafe writing offers...

That said, I began a search to find Patrice's perfect cafe. Each one, you know, having their own flavor, scene ( kind of peeps I will be chit chatting with over a latte when taking a break), level of comfort ( stiff benches vs. floppy couches) genre of music being played , temperature control and ease of plopping down to write. There was free wireless, paid wireless, minimum orders and maximum stays. Plus truth be told, the closer to my house the better for my lazy ass way of thinking ( one block is sure better than three).

The fact is that it took me six months to actually leave the comfort of home to venture out, lap top in tow for my new writing adventure. Don't ask me why, I seem to have issues, okay?

After one try I gave up on Starbucks-- really chilly and way too generic, and so yesterday I headed to the creme de la creme of cafes--The most eclectic cafe in the most eclectic neighborhood in perhaps the world-- The Novel Cafe. A famous writing hole for all manner of writers and for many a year now. More than a few novels have indeed been penned at the Novel Cafe. Open from 7 in the morning till 1am the next morning, every day of the week, 24/7.

I was giddy with the eager visions of a fantastic blog being debuted from the "Novel". I had finally arrived.

And arrive I did, at 3pm, ready for a good couple of hour writing immersion in my much anticipated funky old wood and used book decorated cafe of all cafes-- The Novel.

However, as always, the Universe has ways of humbling us and showing us what It thinks of our "plans." Things went very wrong from the get- go, in fact, the minute I walked in the door.

Reeking of Novel newbieness, I realized almost every table was taken with the other creatives. First lesson-- you have to come early to scope out your spot at the Novel. I've heard that many writers consider this their office and quite literally eat breakfast, lunch and dinner in between creating, studying, researching, reading whatever project they are working on, here.

Finally, I found a small table in what I will now always refer to as the sauna room. Upstairs from the kitchen , swelteringly hot and without a doubt not the room of choice in the Novel's four different rooms. None of the regulars would be caught dead up here. But heck, it had taken me 6 months to drag my butt here, I certainly wasn't going to leave without knocking out some damn good writing come hell or high water so I sat myself right on down to begin.

Now came the power chord issue- mine didn't reach and a lovely boy half my age came to my rescue and lent me his extension. He and I became fast friends in the sauna, the way people trapped in a lifeboat become friends, every so often commiserating about the heat and the now nauseating stench of bacon grease rising from the kitchen below. I don't care how tasty a BLT can be, trust me when I tell you that burned bacon infused steam swirling around you does not a very pleasant writing experience make!

But being the perfect little suffering in the name of art blogger that I am, I persevered. I persevered despite, really bad Reggae blasting, and the annoyance of continuing each hour to have to re-enter all of my credit card billing information into the computer to keep the $2.99 an hour wireless gods happy. At least from the sauna I did have a nice view of the interesting cast of characters coming in and ordering their beverages of choice and apparently a few BLT's.

So there I was blogging happily along and feeling quite smug and contented that I had finally gotten my Novel feet wet so to speak, when... It happened.

Don't ask me how, because I have no clue. What I do know is that to my horror, after writing what I quite frankly think was one of my funniest blogs ever, I tried to save it and .....Nothing! I got a blank white posting area. My blog and soon after my happy little writing serenity was GONE.

I felt sick, and the bacon heat ( which by the way, I had to shower, shampoo and launder away) only added to my misery.

I was indeed a Novel Cafe Failure.

It didn't help that my attempted bid for sympathy later from my non artist husband Mark, was met with the kind of look and statement that only one who just so does not understand can possibly give, " It's not like it's the end of the world or anything!"

God I have never wanted a divorce more-- actually, that's not exactly true-- that very thought often flows through me-- I think that allowing myself to go there is what makes marriage even possible for me!

So, I gave "young boy"back his chord, never letting on any of my trial and tribulation( way too embarrassed) and walked the two blocks home, hanging head in some kind of Whoa what was the message in that! shame.

I may try again at the Novel, but not for a while. I need time to get over my sheer disappointment after such a build up. In the meantime, Panini has served me today quite well.

Then again, I haven't pushed SAVE yet...

Wish me luck.

If you are reading this--all went well.

And so, until next time my sweet ones,

Just Love!

Patrice

What If We Were Taught That We Were Perfect Even When We Were Miserable?

2008-11-19T19:30:00.000-08:00

"Maybe the whole problem, I think to myself tonight, is not so much that I am sort of sad a lot, kind of melancholy and often achy inside. NO maybe the real problem ( and bear with me, I am just trying this on here) is that lifelong, somewhat futile exercise of chasing my own tail round in circles in the never ending effort to be living at all times in the societally preferred,in fact, almost demanded state of "happiness?" Come on- is that even possible- all the time- really?? I mean wouldn't it be a relief of sorts if it was actually okay, allowed, understood, even honored, to be somewhat miserable? Not a crazy, raging, angry, suicidal, take no prisoners, keep every one else down there with you miserable, just a nice, I'm sad again today, mellow kind of blues?"

I have noticed that a prevailing theme in my life is the incessant obsession that the"party" is somewhere else, that the damn grass is most certainly way more green over there, that if only (fill-in-the-blank) then everything would be just perfect, and of course my own personal favorite, when such and such happens, then I'll be good. I think that this silly madness was born out of ongoing endless pursuit and through the seemingly so hard to find drummed in message that " I must be Happy!" This demand of sorts, I have heard as far back as I can remember. The goal of life is to be "Happy!" That elusive, exalted, blissful state of ecstatic warm fuzzies day in and day out.

It has been this search that has been my theme- my quest. To discover the magic trick to it all. And since I still have no answers, I pose this question to you, to anyone who will answer truthfully from their heart...

Is it really possible to just be in your own skin, in your own life, in your own mind, in the sometimes maddeningly boring silence, in the middle of a stressful life, on a crazy planet and truly live in a state of happiness for any length of time? Of course I know that your answer will be yes,( I've been asking this question for a long long while) and YES seems to always be the answer-- it's just that ( and this sums it all up for me right now) I simply never been that girl. And don't even try guilt tripping me into making feel worse like I am a selfish bitch to be feeling sad when there are limbless children in gutters in Calcutta- that only makes me feel sadder--certainly not "happy!".

God knows I have tried to improve my mental/emotional states and I have the books, gurus, medications and meditations, support groups, gratitude lists, journaling exercises, 12 step meetings, crystals, vitamins, workouts, CD's, DVD's, and so forth to prove it. (By way the meds did help but I walked around in a weird state of half numbness that was too disconcerting to deal with for long, that and the constant feeling that even though I wasn't miserable, I was "cheating"somehow). Just my issue, believe me I have no judgement. Oh heck, truth be told if I hadn't had horrific night sweats on them, maybe I would have "cheated" a long while longer too! Crutch- Smutch!

Still, even with all of those tools at my disposal, the long dreamed of and supposedly extremely possible state of free floating joy, happiness and well being that I keep hearing about, seems to have eluded me.

I question often whether my seeming pre- disposition to a low grade functional and not exactly hellish depression is a result of karma, a bad childhood, an initiation/spiritual test of sorts, nutritional, "oh so suffering creative artist disease", bio chemical, hormonal (and this buried treasure hunt to test and find the perfect hormonal cocktail resulted in thousands of dollars spent! ) geographical (if I was living on the beach in Bali- then I just know I'd be happy!) financial, after all who can be nice and chilled when they are sweating it out week by week? or a host of other possible reasons why I haven't ever quite managed for any substantial amount of time anyway, to be HAPPY. I am so getting sick of that word right now.

Now don't get me wrong. I have my moments ( thank God). There are times when I am the laughing, bright light and life of the party. Yes, in fact, I will have you know that Patrice has been known to have spontaneously experienced, cup wildly overflowing with good stuff times in my life. I have had extremely profound epiphanies that convinced me that this time- I had found the secret elixir, the potion of joy that will stick, only to wake up again some short time later with the same overall malaise once again taking me over.

Then tonight this funny, far out thought came to me-- maybe I ( we) have never been told that it is ok, that we are ok, in fact we are adorable even if we are kind of sad a lot. And as I mulled it over and sat with this far out idea a bit tonight. I suddenly are you ready?, felt much much much ( did I say MUCH) better? Not giddy, just not miserable, a kind of a lovely warm neutral...Which is a far cry from where I was when I started this conversation.

I think I just may be on to something. I will let myself be with this radical concept for a while longer and no doubt will report back to you on my findings. But I shall leave you with this thought...

How can we sadish types feel truly " happy" when we are being bombarded ( media, "well meaning" friends/family/strangers, books, teachings) throughout our lives with the very consistent message that we are flawed, not okay, in some kind of serious need of fixing, broken damaged goods-- for being who we are fully in the moment, including all those sad, lonely, lost moments too?

After all, we are ever changing, moving, growing beings and no matter what, this too shall pass. So let's all cut ourselves (and each other) some slack. OK? Instead of judging, hows about, we just keep hugging?

Something to think about anyway...

In the meantime,

Just Love!

Patrice

What If They Gave You A Funeral And No One Came?

2008-11-16T15:03:00.000-08:00

"Is it so wrong to want a great turnout at your final bon voyage?"

I'm wondering about this while sitting on the sand at Venice Beach, California this morning. Mark and I had taken a nice Sunday morning stroll down the beach from where we live and happened upon a large seated crowd right on the sand. There was maybe two hundred people or so, mostly dressed in white, everyone had flowers in their hands and gorgeous flute music was being played as we approached.

So thinking that this was some kind of groovy spiritual happening (they occur all the time around here) we plopped ourselves right on down. It was a mellow group and there seemed to be a lovely vibe in the air. I was really letting myself get into it- not really knowing what it was exactly. Then I saw that someone had a program. Good, I thought to myself, as I asked the guy if I could look at it. Now I can find out who this gangs guru is and get a handle on what's happening.

Well it turns out that we had just crashed some wonderful (well she sure sounded wonderful) woman named Rosie's memorial service. This gal had passed away from some awful disease way before her time at age 44.

Now, as the waves crashed and the flute played and people weeped and others looked at me and smiled that kind of "wasn't she wonderful smile?" to which I beamed back-- "Oh God yes, what a woman that Rosie", a bombardment of thoughts began to take over...

Should we stay? What exactly is the protocol after you realize that you have crashed a funeral? Should we remain out of respect- or is more proper to pick up and high tail it out of there? And If we did choose this option, just how do we do it gracefully without drawing attention to ourselves? I mean who up and leaves a perfectly nice funeral just as it has begun?

(and now this next go round of thoughts really gave me pause) would I get a nice sized crowd at my funeral? Who would come exactly, how many, what would they say? Could I get a nice beach scene and flute player too? Who would organize the whole thing? Certainly not Mark, ( who, bless him, is just sooo not a detail oriented guy!)

The questions kept on rolling in as I looked around the grieving crowd. I mean jeez, two hundred close friends and family all dressed in white at the beach. Now this was one impressive turnout indeed. Not only that but they genuinely all seemed to just love this Rosie.

Then the eulogies began--

Now I know that at memorial services even the nastiest people ( while alive) seem to gain a saint-like stature. The biggest creeps seem to get glowing references when dead.

But Rosie, wow they really seemed to all love her so deeply and they spoke with such seemingly heartfelt earnestness, that the next go- round of thoughts began.

(Meanwhile, Mark had somehow figured out what was going on and escaped un-noticed from the crowd. I had no idea where he now was. ) So I stayed for a bit, as I was quite fascinated watching person after person awaiting their turn to sing Rosie's praises.

Now, not only was I spinning out on who would get me a happening funeral and run it properly. (I like the beach, flute, all dressed in white theme...)
but I was actually also:
A) bothered that I never met Rosie- seemed like a hell of a gal. What a bummer to discover someone terrific when it's too late.
B) (and this is really indicitive of my mental health- or lack thereof) I found myself actually getting jealous of Rosie's service!

I mean who does that? Who but me could actualy get jealous of a deceased woman???

It was obviously time for me to go- and so, as inconspicuously as I could, ( luckily we were sitting towards the back) I slinked quietly away.

Mark did promise me (after much discussion) that my funeral would be terrific too- assuming I go first and that he would definately get someone to handle the details. And I told him that it better be good because I would without a doubt be watching from the wings( who knows, maybe I'd even have some!) and if it wasn't up to par, he could expect a good haunting for a long time to come!

I guess the moral of this story for me is that - if you really want a rocking funeral with everyone simply raving about your live self- you best go about earning it while still living. I don't want no posers at my service.

And to Rosie who I never met but really wish I had: Well done girl! I hope that you got the chance to see how very loved you were and still are! I pray you are playing happily in the waves at heavens #1 beach spot. May I touch as many souls as you obviously did in your way too short sojourn here on Earth. And lastly, I ask your forgiveness for coveting your funeral-It sure was a great one though.

Whoa, what a day...

Till next time my beautiful blogger/blogees,

just love,

Patrice

Just Love!

2008-11-13T14:23:00.000-08:00

Love, Love, Love…all you need is Love, Love. Love is all you need!

I believe that the planet is now at a critical time in it's evolution. We will either transcend this oh so tired reality and glide into the fourth dimension where the fun really begins--OR we say bye- bye and give it another try in another time and place. I think that the time is Now to tell as many as possible that Love is really the only thing will save us...

Maybe the Divine-- God -- the Light-- the Source just needs to see that we want it badly enough, that enough of us have had our fill of these dark ages and the greed that creates chasms where many all over the world are so hungry that they don’t live through the night while others live in mansions with organic Whole Foods abundantly crammed in their fridges!

Come on, haven’t we all just really had enough???

So this is it gang-- the chance to change the whole course of action here-- let’s bring “ Heaven to Earth” Cause quite frankly, Hell is where we’ve been... all together now let’s just accept that yes, we are different religions, races, walks of life and we won’t always agree-- But we can still come together and rapture out/transcend (what ever you want to call your own private escape from the darkness)... Just what if enough of us one by one or two by two got out into the world and did our daily lives but with a deep awareness of keeping our hearts stretched wide open all day –every day?

We are the gatekeepers--- of the guests that arrive at our doors.... The negative voices, anger, jealousy, greed and pain are unwelcome guests and we need to realize that we cannot let them in at all ...They are cunning and baffling little rascals, them.

To indulge in the negative is to be disloyal to the Light--- If we have been given the gift of awakening, then we are spitting at that gift if we let ourselves go unconscious, back to sleep again...

The way out of the negative is not to fight or to even be neutral, the way out is to stay in a state of devotion and bliss as much as possible...When ever we are not in that state—we need to get there because that is our protection our essence ...in other words...Stay Awake! We cannot afford the price tag of constant pain. Trust me on this one- I have the battle scars to prove it.

That said, all we have to do is to Just Love! The rest my dear Earth family, just might be the happy ending... I mean Beginning for human kind... I for one am just so, so, so ready for a change, Are You???

Let’s just do it together. It will be fun, it is simple - easy to do and FREE. And Oh Man, when we see what starts to happen it is going to rock our world......We have all heard for oh so long about the power of love-- Time to take it up a notch and see what we can really do!

Just Love!

patrice

Not the Most Stellar of Days...

2008-11-12T13:50:00.000-08:00

Empty nest, full moon, stopped prozac, menopause, winter, work frustrations, a bit bored, bathtub still not working, lonely and lost.
And how are you doing today?

Honestly, it has been a rough one . Tried unsucessfully to keep my spirits up and vibration high. I give myself an "F". Highlights of the day- major face licking/healing from Coco the weiner dog and husband Mark forced me to go take a walk to "get me out of the house". The sunset was truly georgous and I did allow the beauty of it to enter me for a minute or so.

Then Mark went Googling to find out just what the heck is wrong with his wife and he found a bunch of empty nest support group websites which he called me over to look at. There was some relief in the realization that I am not alone with this sadness. But it was bittersweet as I read the posts and kept comparing my story to theirs...Well at least she has four other kids at home, at least her kid is happy in college and not miserable and doing nothing at horrible ex- husbands house, at least her kid calls and emails her-- you get the idea. So the empty nest website started to make me feel worse and I moved on to making dinner.

Stepdaughter Marisa came home and bless her, Mark told her to give "stepmommy" a hug-- she did and I didn't let her go for quite a while. She is used to her very over- emotional stepmom having a meltdown of one sort or another so she hung in there giving me some extra special love back.

Cooked a great veggie tofu kashi dish that seemed to please everyone including the dogs. Then again, they never complain.

Going just one minute at a time these days. I know the deep spiritual breakthrough and healing are just around the corner. But which corner, where?

Sometimes I just want a big hug from the Universe. Sometimes I want to be a little crying baby that gets picked up and rocked till I fall asleep. Sometimes I want things that just don't happen.

I am tired of being big and strong and holding it all together. I like the idea of falling apart and getting put all back together but better. Tonight though, I feel more like Humpty Dumpty and all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty together again. I'm a mess.

If any of you right now are feeling a bit down-- I wish I could be that big warm hug for you--
So instead I am sending you all my love this way.

We'll get through it all....Together!

Just Love,
Patrice

Do Get Your Hopes Up!

2008-11-06T12:57:00.000-08:00

Sitting on the deck this morning and listening to the chorus of birds, and mind chatter ( the birds by the way sounding so much better) yet another Patrice pondering occurred and a question popped up. Ah, and then the beauty of a really good revelation.

First the question-- Why were we always told " Don't get your hopes up.?"-Or one of it's many variations there-of, " don't get too excited, only time will tell, don't get too ahead of yourself!"

The logical answer is that whoever was telling us this ultimately really messed up message didn't want us to be disappointed and upset if said desire did not occur.

But how ever well meaning this was meant to be, it was and is very bad advise. Following this directive-- you don't get any fun at all!

Not only now did your dream not happen, but you didn't even get the joy of fantasizing about it happening. That sucks. Hey at the very least, when you have your hopes up-- YOU FEEL GOOD and that is a damn nice place to be. And please don't even get me started on the fact that by "not getting your hopes up," you send out all kinds of icky universal emanations ( vibrations ) that certainly don't help and actually even hurt your chances of wondrous things happening! All has to do with energy frequencies and magnetizing. Trust me on this one. Feeling good = better chance of good things happening.

It just works maybe not 100 % but I do know for sure that Keeping dreams DOWN certainly never helped anybody.

This moment of clarity came to me after I had just left a voice mail message for my girlfriend with some potentially very exciting news about my career. I noticed that as I was speaking, I kept defaulting back to the most minimal joy/excitement possible. "Now I don't know for sure- I could be wrong, it may not happen, I might be setting myself up... ."

So, as I hung up the phone, I heard that ancient rascal Voice, blasting his same old tune, "Don't get your hopes up!" and I think I had finally had just about enough, so I spoke up to Voice and asked, "Why the f--k not?

There was not one answer Voice could give me that wasn't tired- old school- negative- nasty- same ole' same oles'. Once more, for a short but blissful while, I was able to see through the illusion of the shadow and a glorious peek at possibility...

So in the spirit of this holy moment of clarity, I wonder this....

Brothers and Sisters,

If we could live most of the days of our lives with our hopes way up high--- all day, everyday as much as we possibly could-- well, just imagine how good we would feel and what might actually happen. You know, the hundredth monkey thing...

So during this amazing and historic week when there is that pulsation of maybe--just maybe...anything is possible--

I hereby give us all an invitation, blessing, permission. I call for a revolution! Let us all

Get Our Hopes Up! About anything and everything. Our dreams, wishes, deepest desires. Make our hope list and fill them in. Then, (and enjoying every delicious moment of this next part)

We get 'em up, we get all them hopes up. Hope filled helium balloons that lift us higher and higher. Taking us with them, taking us soaring....

Just Love,

Patrice

My "Vibration" and my Country- Ready for Change!

2008-11-04T14:29:00.000-08:00

A very quick post ( for me!) on a very big subject.

"written on election day - USA- early afternoon- no results yet soooooo....fingers crossed and then some!"

How's this for a lesson? Yet another!

I noticed that after my last few posts. Google's ads on my blog page were now for anti-depressant medications. You think that didn't get my attention?

My vibration has been in dire need of an overhaul-- a serious makeover. The intense, always- in -some- kind -of -serious- angst- artist that is me has decided once and for all that happiness just might be worth exploring.

It finally hit me-- all my life, I have been a thrashing salmon swimming upstream--It's a wonder that ever got anywhere. I just need to start flowing downstream, be happy, go with the flow, stop fighting and "allow" all the treasures of the Universe to be mine!

This revelation comes on the heels of yet another "prosperity/abundance" book that I have been diving into lately. The wonderful Abraham teachings as channeled through Esther Hicks!

And I'll be darned if it doesn't suddenly all make sense! Maybe the teacher came because the student was finally ready!

That said, I pledge happier, shiny posts showing you all my new energy vibration. Because I am going to give it a go-- by God!

Just because I have always had my "default switch" permanently set to worst case scenario. Does not mean that same switch can't also be flicked up to ain't life grand! And I think I am just the gal to do it!

This amazing shift in vibration can apparantly can all be done without me even having to dig through the muck of the past, or my bio chemical composition, my karmic debts, my current financial situation, or any of the other crap that I have ever let myself keep me from soaring into the Patrice kingdom of riches. In other words, no more excuses-- it is now or never.

This stuff either is true or it is not. And since all the masters agree-- and for God's sake I know this- Why have I been such a difficult case???

Maybe I needed to do it this way, so that I could report back that yes it can be done. We really can-( even the toughest nuts to crack!) find our way back to Heaven. Even while still on Earth.

Since suicide has never been an option and there is whole lot of wondrous stuff to still explore, give, have, see, do and love...

Patrice has decided that it is time to tell the negative voices to shut the f--k up! Read my own books, take my own deepest truths, go where I know I need to go and that is-- to the same place where the answers have always been. I just need to remember to go hang out with Source/God /The Light. All day- every day. Period! The End.

It is way overdue and I have finally suffered enough. Just like the USA. Wow all this on Election day -- a historic day when collectively all over the world- we are seeing the beginning of because we were so ready for CHANGE!

Hey, If the country can rally and change in such a spectacular way- after the nightmare of the past few years---- well, so can I!

I will be continuing to keep you abreast of my new sparkly being and how that's working out for me. Wish me luck.

A toast now, with a goblet overflowing with loveliness, joy, peace and inlaid with gemstones of every color. To us one and all finding our way back HOME.

Post blog- Obama has it! Tis' a good day for change! Oh yes we can...

Well Done America!

Just Love!

Patrice

The Irony and the Om Ring That Came Back to Me.

2008-11-03T18:45:00.000-08:00

I have a little miracle story to share with you all-- that once more showed me that the Universe is Alive and Well and quite the rascal messenger!

Okay so here's the set up for the story...

For many years I was the "spirituality" group leader at a number of the "celebrity rehabs" in Malibu, ( drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, mental disorders- you name it) An important part of my groups and individual sessions was guiding the clients on meditation voyages deep into their own sacred space within, soaring through the cosmos and everywhere in between.

I worked with Top athletes, Celebrities, CEO's of huge companies, Royalty, Trust Fund Babies and Trophy Wives. People spending upwards of 50k a month to be in treatment. Though abundant in material wealth, these folks were in many cases utterly spiritually bankrupt. ( I on the other hand spiritually wealthy and financially broke!) Oh the irony of life sometimes is just too much!!

Any way these were temporarily broken spirits in need of healing. Their experiences in my meditations was stunning. They were having amazing visions, waves of bliss, many for the first time in their lives were understanding what a connection to Source/Spirit/God was really all about. I'm telling you that even some of the ones with the most cynical, empty, hurting, unwilling personalities were going on journeys with me that all their money and substances of choice never could. Let's put it this way --private jets can take you around the world- on of my meditations--the Universe!

So over the years many of the clients had asked me for CD's so that they could "take me with them" so to speak. That they could have some of the same wondrous experiences when they returned to their homes. In the hopes that one day I might get it together and actually record a line of meditation CD's ( which by the way, I am finally doing!) Anyway, I would sometimes remember to get some of their emails. Not many just a a few dozen or so.

Alright now--

I bring this all up so that you understand that when I sent out a little one page email blast to these few emails asking for some financial support for my newly launched non-profit organization the Just Love Project and so that I could go into the studio and record these Cd's and keep this whole thing afloat-- that maybe someone might actually cough up some dough.

So many times I was told by these clients," Patrice, you have changed my life!" So I really didn't think that it was inappropriate and it was for a good cause -after all to ask them if they would like to change someone else's. Starting with mine!

I sat there eagerly staring at the computer for the next week or so waiting to see what might unfold, sadly all I seemed to get back were automated responses saying that the email addresses I had sent to were no longer valid, one slap on the wrist from one of the old rehabs therapists saying it was wrong to be soliciting old clients- oops-whatever!

Let's put it this way. The response was underwhelming.

UNTIL, I got my first ever email from the exalted web Fairy God Mother of the Universe PAY PAL telling me that a payment had been made to my account.

Now this is where it all gets very curious indeed.

Along with this donation came a personal email. It was from a wonderful woman who shall remain nameless , telling me that she had no idea how she had ended up on my email list of rehab clients ( I had started the letter explaining that I used to run the spirituality groups at the treatment centers in Malibu that "you" went to) but that she had received one of these emails. To this day, I have absolutely no idea how she possibly ever ended up on the list either-- but get this!!!

Nameless lady tells me that the reason she had donated to my cause was because of a ring I had given her years before. What? And then I remembered. Trust me, when I tell you that I got chills and goosebumps over every inch of my body and the angels sang.

Here is what had happened.

One day, many many years before, I had gone into a little herbal/ holistic product store to buy some sage. The gal that worked their seemed enthralled with my silver OM ring. We chatted about it, I said thanks and drove off. For days, God kept telling me to go back to the store and give her the ring.

I usually try to listen to what God tells me ( when I can shut up enough to hear Him/Her) so I did as told. I went back to the store, found the gal and told her that the ring was now hers and dropped it in her palm. Needless to say she was quite taken with this gesture. It really was no big deal to me- I liked the ring, but I wasn't that attached to it and anyway it was fun to see her so happy being given this unexpected gift. I had forgotten all about it, had never given it another thought until this night, now so many years later, reading her email.

She said that she had never forgotten what happened that day and that I had literally taken the ring off of my own hand to give to her.

So anyway she suddenly out of the blue gets this email from me ( she recognized my name) and sent me my one and only donation. The Universe brought her this unusual opportunity to thank me. She was able to give back.

As an aside, her response was the only one that I received. Hmmmnnnn.

To me, It was a sweet and powerful reminder that we are all linked in ways so amazing and that acts of kindness ( even cheap little silver OM rings) come back to us to let us know once again that the wonders of the Universe are well, Wonderful!!

Oh, and do feel free to send donations! www.justloveproject.com

Just Love!

Patrice

Lions and Tigers and Blogs. Oh My!

2008-11-01T15:32:00.000-07:00

So it all started out simple enough. I was tired of waiting for my new books to be published. After launching my first website finally ( I know, I know) I realized that I could have a link to a Blog. A what? I had read a few over the years here and there. The idea seemed so perfect. A way to keep my writing chops up and my creative juices busy. To create, share, journal and who knows maybe one day-- I would have enough good blogs that I would not have to 'write another book" but just string a bunch of my best blogs together and Voila! Book deal! Cha Ching!!! The cheating authors way of writing a book.

So it all sounded really fun and immediately gratifying and a little dangerous too. Being freely out there with my day to day confusions and revelations. This was going to be a wonderful creative and cathartic outlet. A simple way for me to be me, for you.

But I had NO idea what a dizzying world I was entering. Like everything I embark on -- the all or nothing monster in me has once again come to life-- and suddenly it hasn't been about the writing anymore. It suddenly has become INSANITY. And I am willingly entering the madness. Once more simplicity has gone by the way side as I have become consumed by Blogmania.

Between the templates and widgets, and gadgets and googets, fidgets , fadgets and moveits. And Adsense and no sense, "traffic obsessions", site feeds, pings and pongs, comments and followers, labels, keywords, font changes, color schemes, business schemes, blog fame( or how to get there), search engine submissions, real time and flavicons and well Christ, that's just the beginning as I travel down the rabbit hole of this new blogging world--

Could it be any more overwhelming? Can you, can I, are there bloggers who keep it nice and simple and still have "sucessful blogs"?

Never mind, I just answered my own question. It is up to me and if I don't want to be caught up in all this never ending, faster moving than I can handle medium, I can do it my way. Focus on the writing and my people will find me. Right? Make sense to you?

Although at this point, a pen and a pad are sounding real good .

Now I have to cut this blog short because I have some more and very vital blog info online to study. Need I say more?

For the love of God, all I wanted to do was write.

Just Love,

Patrice

Clocks Turning Back--Oh Joy!

2008-10-30T18:25:00.000-07:00

Not!

Every year I swear to myself that it will be different. That this is the year that the darkness closing in earlier won't get to me. And ever year, I fail. Now, I gotta tell you that I have analyzed this till the cows came home and left again. No matter how much I tell myself that 'attitude is everything' ( mine obviously sucks) and that I really could choose to look at this a "cozy comfy nesting time of the season", it doesn't work and always comes back to the same old story. When the clocks go back, I go black. Not suicidal, not get me out of here or I will lose my sanity -check me in right now, manic hysteria black--it's all a little more like a really ugly darkish -grey.

I just don't dig the night much, let alone winter nights. And why oh why, I am begging to know --do we need to screw with the whole time thing anyway? Isn't it bad enough that God sees fit every single year to slowly take our light away from us, that we collectively (and for no good reason that anyone has ever been able to explain to me) have to speed the darkness up by putting the clocks back-- making sure to drive the nail just a bit deeper into the darkness coffin!??

It's not that there isn't plenty to do. There are books to read ( or write!) five hundred television channels, dogs to play with, husband to talk to, I could take up cooking like nice normal people do, I could meditate and get to know that oh so often elusive God better, I've got the Internet to soar all over the globe with -- How dare I be such a complainer? It's just that ( and this is the part so unnerving to me) it's just so damned dark.

I don't know when I stopped going out at night. I think all the years of being a single mom- I just got in habit of taking a hot bath ( when kid would let me) at around 5, closing the curtains and "settling in" And now that I can go anywhere at night, do anything- well, let's put it this way, it's six pm , I have already bathed, jammied, and am ready for another night of Nancy Grace, laptop blogging on the sofa and hoping that something tonight just might feel different.

It doesn't. What the hell is wrong with me? What is my excuse now?- Is it a sign of age that I just plain want to be home at night inside safe and sound ( and nuts)?

I am always amazed at the people out and about at night as if it is the most natural thing in the world to them. Movies, dinners, shopping, visiting ( hey do people even go hang out at each others houses at night anymore?) This thought unfortunately now takes me down another bad spiral, leading me to spin out on this-- Where are my friends? Do I really even have friends? Their all scattered. Why don't I have a cool village tribe, a gang of peeps to hang with? There ain't no village here! What the hell is wrong with me and my life? What happened? Why am always so uncomfortable in my own nighttime skin? Truth be told- my daytime skin has some real issues too. I guess I could go out drinking if I drank, or go to AA meetings for if I didn't. Jeez- I'm a mess.

I truly wonder what compells me to sit here night after night--feeling like I am just killing time till daylight peaks out again. Or ( and I really really want to know this) are these normal feelings that I am having? By the way, I spend my life asking variations of that one question," Is this normal?"

I use up ridiculous amounts of time-- so many hours wondering if other people have the same weird feelings as I do. Like there is an real answer to this!? Will I ever fully know? Does it even matter? But seriously, ( and this comes bursting out of Patrice's curiosity factory) do any of you feel like any of this? And for the love of God, I hope your answer is yes.

What I do know is that whenever I travel ( especially third world countries) nighttime feels different somehow. (Granted when travelling, everything feels different). People seem to be outside at night- hanging in their villages. Just being.

Heck, You drive around here at night in the residential neighborhoods and you don't see soul stirring. Just the glow of lights behind the drawn shades. Creepy.

Hmmmnnn--Maybe if I had a "real job", and I wasn't a stay at home writer all day. Then it would all be so different, I'm sure of it. I guess if you are at work all day--you are just so happy to be home and cooking and with your family and the night speeds on by and you don't sit around wondering about all this.

Agghh!!! I'm getting sick of hearing myself already.

I could absolutely change this if I wanted to right? Get out of the sleepy clothes, join a "club-- a committee-take a class" why, I could volunteer- help someone- call everyone I know, make a collage... Jeez I live in a cool neighborhood with all kinds of cafes open late, I could take the laptop, find a nice bohemian spot and write deep into the night, with lots of other creative types ( or those that just had to escape home like me)...

but NO-- I apparently would rather sit here on the couch, pondering obsessively the meaning of this all. And it's not like the end of the world or anything. Nighttime just puzzles me.

Day brings with it all sorts of possibilities. The birds sing for God's sake! Not hearing any birds --Nope-- there are no birdies singing around here tonight. They even seem to "close" down till morning.

And now that's all said, Saturday night the Clocks Go Back!. Pray for me will ya! Kidding-- (not really)

Ah, It's now 7:00 ( you all helped me get through another hour)

Gotta go! Phony weird Nancy Grace, who I'm addicted to) beckons.

Okay, I lied- Here is my final final thought--- I'm feeling the need to defend my crazy sounding self--It really isn't as bad as I make it seem --I'm just very dramatic-- bit of an intense weirdo here on this particular planet Earth. On my home planet, there was no "night" everything felt right and I Rocked! I'm convinced of it!! And quite frankly, tonight Home sounds good.

But it's okay--I'll get back there again soon enough, so I will try for the millionth time to "work on my attitude" a little bit more--make some peace with all of this.

Until then,

Hey wait! New and big thought just came to me--- I suddenly started remembering all the things about night that are so incredible-- they deserve to be in print tonight too-- and yes, because of them-- my attitude seems to be changing- Lo and Behold!

Patrice's ten favorite night things ( not in any particular order)

Stars ( especially shooting ones!)

Moonlight over the ocean

The twinkle of city lights

The sound of owls, coyote and other night critters

The dreamy drifting feeling as I fall asleep

Fireworks

Outdoor Fires

Lightning

Candlelight

The promise of the day to come!

Wow Night suddenly looks a whole lot brighter-- as you can tell by the colors -- I am feeling downright rainbowy!

However, while looking at list above, I kind of got my self all esoteric and stuff realizing that many of the items on the list still have to do with Light!

There's something deeply spiritual in all this-- but I'm getting too tired to figure it all out

(that rascal night will do that to you!)

So I will close out here (before it becomes day again and therefore irrelevant) by simply saying and I really mean this in the truest sense of the word...

My blogs never really end--they just go to sleep...

GOODNIGHT!!!!

just love,

patrice

You Raise Them And Then They Leave You!

2008-10-28T13:38:00.000-07:00

I miss my son.

He (Eli) moved away a little over a year ago to go live with his dad and stepmother 400 miles away in Santa Cruz, California. I let him go because he really really wanted to -- he was pretty miserable here, hating school, life and Los Angeles. I didn't want him to resent me for the rest of his life if I said no to his pleading sixteen year old self-- I wanted him to be happier so I reluctantly agreed. I agreed while being smothered with hugs and kisses and promises that we would "talk all the time" and email and video chat and visit and .... It didn't happen.

I feel like I have been fired and it hurts like hell. I am now only allowed to call him "every seven days." Because he feels "pressured" if I call more often. He is not an emailer, the video chats only happened twice in the whole year and I have not seen him now in almost four months. The empty nest sucks and I am not adjusting well . The irony of course is that during all those years single parenting him, I used to fantasize about the day that I would be "free." Let this be a wake up call to all of you out there craving that same freedom.

It is a was a way over-rated fantasy. Honestly, is a hobby and lots of " extra time for myself" supposed to in any way help fill up the empty hole that I feel inside? Am I feeling such sadness because this separation wasn't in the natural order of things? Would it have felt better somehow if he had left to go off to college at 18 like the norm? Is this feeling simply a profound jealousy that his father and stepmother now have him all day every day and I don't? He apparently isn't missing me much at all and bottom line is that feels so awful. And don't even get me started with how I feel about "them"-- (not such nice people I tell ya)-- or the fact that the kid is being "unschooled" meaning-- No School! No job, very few friends, no motivation, no plan, no discipline. Just Eli out in the woods of Santa Cruz playing video games and getting "unpressured!" But I digress--

I wanted to finish my job, the job that I had started. I raised him since he was born completely by myself. It was me and him against the world. (I even wrote my second book, The Single Mother's Survival Guide all about all my experiences raising him and my first children's book The Invisible String about the string I used to tell him about, when he would cry at the pre- school door as I dropped him off so I could go to work - (The string that connects all of us that love one another). Maybe this very closeness that we shared is the reason that he felt such a strong need to break free and be with the father that he only knew for a few weeks over summer and Christmas vacations all those years. The father that I have heard a boy needs to bond with to fully grow up into a healthy man? All I know is that I feel cut off and cut off way too early. And the really sad thing is that he is still very unhappy, still having a really hard time- still filled with all that teenage angst. When your child is hurting and you can't even be there to comfort them, it is a powerless awful feeling. He is still struggling so much that I wonder if letting him go was all for naught.

Why does no one ever tell you (in a way that you can really truly hear) that you raise them and then they leave you? I do remember being told by so many veteran parents years ago that you should "enjoy every wonderful/ miserable moment because you blink and they are gone!" But I guess I didn't really hear it. Maybe you just can't really hear it until it applies to you and by then it's way too late. Sure enough, I blinked and he was gone.

I keep seeing mothers and their teenage sons walking around town and that old familiar giant lump in my throat swells up and I can't even call him to hear his beautiful changing voice, because my "seven day wait" isn't here yet. I covet all those mothers that have their acne faced, fabulous growing boys still around. I kind of like the idea of all the thousands of supposed boy/men in Italy who never leave home and their moms still take care of them cooking, loving and laundrying them! Right now that sounds great. I know, I know-- I really do have issues!

I love my dog, my stepdaughter, my husband ( today in that order!) But the fact is, the way that I feel in this moment, I would give them all up in heartbeat, to live with Eli again. Does that mean I was/am "enmeshed?" Do I really even give a sh-t what you call it? Not so much.

I simply don't know how to deal with the sorrow, the ache inside, of driving past all the places that make up my mothering history. The old places we used to live, the restaurants we went to, the parks and the schools. It is a death of sorts and the mourning is fresh and seemingly not getting any better. And yet ( and OF COURSE I am grateful for this) he is okay. He just chose not to live with me anymore. And that is one huge Ouch.

Is their something wrong with me that it is now a full year later and I feel just as heartbroken as the day I saw him and his dad ( who I divorced when Eli was 3 months old) driving off in the truck with all of Eli's stuff? Or am I just a momma lion who, like all momma lions, love their off spring fiercely-- maybe too fiercely? I want my boy to be happy and I don't know how to help him from so far away -- that makes me feel pretty helpless on my end.

Nobody that I know really wants to hear about this anymore, maybe they just don't know what to say... I can't say that I blame them. I know that I sound like a whining, sniveling, despondent character around all of this. Guess that's why I needed to blog about it. I had to tell someone-- someone kind, someone that would listen. Today that kind someone is you. Thank you for being there. For being here.

And in the one- in -a -million chance that you ever read this, my son, I love you more than you will ever know. I miss you. Today the "string" doesn't feel like enough, so-- call your mother!

Just Love,

Eli's mom

Night Flight Home

2008-10-26T20:35:00.000-07:00

I flew home from San Fransisco to Los Angeles a couple of nights ago. It was one of those crystal clear nights and from the sky the lights of humanity sparkled in all their vastness below me. I was reading a particularly poignant book, a sad but beautiful memoir from a man I will, in all likely hood never meet, but who none the less let me deeply into his world though his beautiful words, the way that only a great and fearless writer can. I literally had to put the book on my lap every page or so and swallow hard, tears flowing. For the rest of the flight, I created a pattern of read a page, turn to the window look out and cry.

There was a couple sitting in my row and the husband who was directly next to me felt so darned close I could barely breathe without sensing he could feel the very heat of my breath. Anyway I didn't want the dude to see my crying so I would read, look out the window and cry, read, look out the window and cry. The lights twinkling below just seemed somehow to make the whole thing that much more intense.

Flying at night over cities has always had this effect of me. Something about seeing so much life, so many people, the cars, the homes, the lit up pools and stadiums the freeways criss-crossing, the life. So much life, so many humans all doing what humans do. It just seemed so surreal to me on this particular night. How is it that we are all sharing this one space called Earth and yet we so often feel disconnected, so very lonely somehow? It was a strange sensation. The hum of the plane, the staring man next to me, the sad book, all the life going on below me and there in the sky-- one Patrice Karst for the millionth or more time wondering what she always wonders, " Just what are we really all doing here anyway?"

The flight attendants going up and down the plane handing out diet cokes and beers, the captains captaining, the over tired children fussing, their even more over tired parents scolding. Another page turns, another tear falls, and out the window another few hundred thousand beings coming and going in the night and I found myself even more confused than ever. How is it, I asked myself that there are so many people sharing this Earth? What at this moment as I looked below is really going on?

In that one moment, I knew that there were lovers loving and screamers screaming and lonely people switching from channel to channel all the while looking for something that they cannot ever find where they are looking for it and Patrice flying overhead who will never meet any of them, yet in this moment of flight, feeling an intimacy with them that was unexplainably real. My brethren below. My humans.

There was something about seeing Los Angeles as we approached and the lights that seemed to spread out below me endlessly that made me at once feel insignificantly lost in the giant sea of humanity while at the same time because of the unique state of being overhead that made me feel almost God like. Is this, I wondered what it is like for God? Seeing all His children as billions of lights below. A sea of humans spreading out as far as the eye can see.

I had a vantage point that looked so different from the norm of being in the thick of it. The view from above so distant, so voyeuristic, so sad somehow . Lonely. And still the man kept staring, and the pages turning and the tears falling. I imagined for no particular reason at all but because it just seemed like a good thing to do considering my mood, to work with sending vibrations of of love to the multitudes below as I flew on by. Wishing for the sad ones some comfort and the angry ones some peace, the hungry ones whatever they most hungered for.

I wanted so badly right then to call someone, a friend, my husband , my boy, and to tell them how much I loved them.

Because at the end that is always the default isn't it? The deep need to give and to receive and to share our love. I wanted to be hugged and held, and to hug and to hold. And still the lights twinkled and the man stared and the pages of the book kept turning, tears falling, my mind churning.

It was humbling and daunting at the same time to see just how many of us there were-- there are-- in just this one city of lights, this "city of angels". Who were, who are all these people? What were they all doing and thinking and feeling right now. I was so acutely aware of them but I'm sure none of them aware of me flying overhead. .

Something about being up in the air has always been a very reflective place for me- above it all. Probably why I have always loved tops of mountains and the vistas below. Somehow being above the fray and the frenzy, the commotion of life, has always brought me a sense of awe and an awareness of the freedom that I crave so much-- tonight though it was odd and sad and scary. So many many people and I just one of the pulsating masses who were in this moment just below.

When we landed the man next to me smiled and I sent one back to him-- He wasn't a bad guy-- maybe he too needed some connection. He knew I had spent the flight in tears yet nothing was said( thank God) he respected my need for things to remain unspoken. Yet when our eyes met a feeling of knowing, an undeniable moment of connection was shared.

Husband Mark picked me up at an over crowed LAX and we drove home -away into the night. As we drove along I looked up at a plane flying above and sent whomever might be looking down and feeling like I had just minutes before , a beam of light from this one particular being named Patrice.

We really are after all continually all just switching places aren't we? Just trading roles -- as above- so below could not have made more sense to me than at that moment.

I held Mark's hand and squeezed it extra hard on the drive home. I felt so good to belong to someone, to him. To be one of those millions of lights and to have one that I love so much to share my particular little spark with.

Just Love,

Patrice

To Blog or Not to Blog?

2008-10-21T21:09:00.000-07:00

What I truly love about this whole blogging experience for me is that it forces me to write.

What I truly detest about this whole blogging experience for me is that it forces me to write.

Therein lies the story of my life, all our lives. The duality, The choices. Joy or Sorrow. Light or Dark. Good or Evil. The irony is that each feeds off the other and one cannot know fully one side unless it has tasted it's exact opposite.

But Oy Friggen Vey!- What turmoil, what chaos comes from all the choices (big and little) that one has to make in each given moment, in a very long life.

So after much dialogue about whether to blog or not tonight, with all the accompanying and very, "used car salesmanlike" voices on both teams weighing in- somewhere inside Patrice a choice was made-- To Blog won over the mindless yet very tempting crap that was on TV.

It is good for my soul, necessary for my head, and vital for my sanity for me to blog. Whether 10 people or 10 thousand read my words is not what matters.

There is some sense of safety realizing it's more like ten reading me than the other! I have to admit what a rush the thousands would be. Would I still keep it as real? As raw? As pure? I would like to think so but who knows. I would also like to think that if I became rich and famous- my core personality would stay the same and that I would remain " unaffected" and I would be same ol' Patrice- but again who really knows? All we do know for sure is what is right here- right now-- staring us in the face, kissing us softly or punching us in the gut depending on the moment in question.

In this particular moment, I struggle. I struggle with my absolute conviction and faith in God the Light and Source- while at the same time, the forces of shadow, of negativity, try to seduce me with their incessant chatter and ways of pushing me that only they know how to do ( a missed phone call means I will never hear back from that person ever again, the publishing rejection means I obviously suck as a writer, the boredom I feel means I am a freak who is never comfortable in her own skin)-- you get my drift.

So tonight, rather than obsess in my usual way- I blog- I write- I share it away-- and in the process I become lighter, I feel a connection to the human race and each being struggling alongside me on this whirly twirly planet and I become part of the picture rather than a sad lonely observer hanging out and watching it all go by in the wings.

I am noticing that I am tending to write when sad much more than when I am happy. What is that about I wonder? Is that human nature or just my human nature? Or am I just miserable most of the time???

Am I really this morose?- God, I hope not! I'm funny-- I'm funny as hell. No really, I am a funny gal You should see me when I'm "on" Funny I tell you, Ask my friends. I pledge to write more in my funny state soon.

But I blogged- I promised you that I would always keep it real so --Yeah for me!

If you are out there- write back!- I really love hearing from you ...Where are YOU hanging out in your hearts and heads these days? Once again, A goblet of love is being lifted as I propose a toast of reminder to us all to be extra kind and loving to ourselves right now. This is a must.

Oh, and good things HAVE happened by -the -way. My non- profit 501 c3 foundation The Just Love Project has launched-- We are official - and off to help change the world- Way more on that later.

Coco the wiener dog is whining and flipping on her back for attention.

The seventeen year old in Santa Cruz wants me to not call him until he calls me, even if that is a "long time". This is apparently a normal part of teenage boy individuating . WTF? It feels like shit. I cried a lot last night. Screw it-- I am still calling- He can't get rid of me that easy! But maybe I should honor his request and let him miss me for a change! This teenage thing is brutal but when they live far away even worse. At least when they still live at home- even if they tell you to "get lost" you still get to pass the Cheerios to them in the morning and see their snarling little faces - I wish I could see his right now.

The husband I adore is on the boat tonight in the harbor bobbing along happily. It is a wonderful thing to have someone who really really loves you and he does and bless him for that- because sometimes I am so not loveable!

And there you guys all are-- somewhere spinning on this giant globe we call home.

Meanwhile, God and all powers that be are watching, guiding, inspiring our strange funny little family.

And in this moment-- for some reason known only to the Cosmos- my mood has dramatically shifted- and I am feeling deep and real LOVE FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. All my brothers and sisters. We are on this ride together. Really.

Now to the dachshund who loves me like only her four-legged cute self can--

Life ain't so bad-- especially when I take the time to share it with You...

Just Love,

Patrice

Bad Words and the Email from Grace

2008-10-14T15:26:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone,

I feel like a lazy ASS today for not getting my butt off to yoga and sitting here for 14 hours at the "terminal" (albeit a pretty flippin' nice terminal to be at- ocean view, cool hood, love my Mac, not a bad scene at all). The reason, by the way, that I capitalized ASS was because I could... This tiny act of rebellion comes from a meeting I had a couple of nights ago with my literary agent, whereupon she mentioned that I use too many "curse" words (in other words that I need to clean up my potty mouth) to which I wanted to say are you F-cking kidding me? The planet is about to implode and you're offended by my rather "salty sailor/sexy wench and I think quite uniquely me way of expressing. She said that it was un-becoming for a "teacher" to speak like that. To which I retorted, " but I am a totally different kind of teacher and I don't talk like that onstage-- (well not as a habit!)." She was unmoved.

I spent the rest of our meeting being very aware of just how much I hate eggshells, and vacillating between feeling like a scolded, shamed, naughty child and one royally pissed off adult.

JEEZ! Sometimes the whole darn thing is just so well darned irritating. What darned thing are you talking about? you ask--- I mean the WHOLE DARNED THING all of it..The whole thing that occurs from when -you- first- open- your- eyes- till- when -you- close- them- darned thing. LIFE! (But not really!) It's just my current mood and since I am bla bla blogging I thought I would just go right on ahead with exactly what's up in the current moment with me- Lucky you huh?!!! Which leads me to my meeting earlier.

I just came back from tea with a gal that was telling me about this new book called Radical Honesty which is about well Radical Honesty and how that can change your life. Hmmmmnnn. Well the deal that I started pondering is that , for almost all of my life- I have lived for the most part as one hell of a truthful- honest- kinda -gal . It is kind of my whole shtick ( I really don't know another way to be and not feel sick inside) , I can tell you for sure though that this kind of radical honesty doesn't make you the most popular kid on the block. It is quite the burden always being the one with the balls to call the emperor out as naked, because well, he is! While everyone else around you is wildly applauding his lovely invisible robes.

So I am not sure about the whole radical honesty thing-- Integrity and sense of self- check! Easy to do? no check Scary- check check check!!!. You gotta have a thick skin and be a brave soul to really venture here. Trust me, I have the battle scars to prove it. But, I invite you to really exploring the concept of living as though " To Thine Own Self Be True" was one of your personal mission statements.There is alot to be said for it and you will be taken to some very trippy wonderful places inside.

Oh! One really cool thing that happened today is that out of cyber space blue, this incredible orphanage in Southern India that was formed after the cyclone disasters, wrote me a very beautiful email asking for financial help ( complete with many pictures of all the kids) . Since I am have literally just launched my non profit foundation- The Just Love Project-- I took this to be a great God Wink that I am on the right track. How friggen' cool would that be! --To actually be in a position to fly to India ( my favorite country on Earth by the way) and hand checks out like candy to help these children that will never know the creature comforts you and I take for granted. Now that has to be one hell of a feeling. I'm jazzed, committed and on a mission- I will be hitting you up soon. In fact--I'll start now. If you can help out at all-- please go visit my site and please make a donation. I promised Emmanuel the head of the orphanage called GRACE that his orphange would be the very first place we would help. Now that the promise has been made and we have exchanged so many emails and photos-- this is all so very real to me.

To actually have a non- profit organization so that I cannot not just write books and talk, talk talk but to actually be able to hand over CASH to help people in a very real, hands on, way. This "out of the blue" email addressed to "Sister Patrice" at Just Love, asking for help from the "Grace" Orphanage, was way -way wonderful. I just love synchronistic coolness from the universe- the magical signs- I take this as one from upstairs that I am on the right track here.

So although I say,"bad" words sometimes- my heart- it's in the right place..

.....just where it should be

Just Love!

Patrice

So, This is the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius???

2008-10-09T17:14:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well folks -- Here we go!

Not exactly what I imagined- but how does one ever guess about these things?

What I do know is that the times they be a changing now very fast and aren't going to be a slowing down any time soon.

Stay tuned in. I know it's outta- control kind of scary but —the old way was pretty friggen scary too. I mean really it was a bleak system — greedy, ugly and Wrong.

That said-It is getting pretty-pretty-pretty weird out there--

I swear to God, I heard a guy on CNN or MSNBC - some pundit actually saying that people should be investing in things that they can actually trade between each other when all hell breaks loose, like canned foods, bottles of booze and cartons of cigarettes...WTF?

I feel that strange kind of surreal feeling that is really disconcerting... Is all this fear coming from over- amped media hype or are the seals actually being opened, the trumpets sounding and the prophesies of all the religions and spiritual paths finally all coming down and coming down like- Right Now?

On one hand, I Patrice the anarchist- rebel-renegade-way left liberal-down with "the man"- hippy — Time for a Revolution- "Hey I'm broke anyway , so who cares if the whole economy crashes"--I want to watch the fireworks explode, kinda gal, is doing battle with the "hey, I kinda like my creature comforts and just how bad is this suffering going to be and shit, I was just about to make it and finally have some money and uh -oh I'm freaking out here, and what the hell was I thinking anyway?" voice .This make for some emotional tumbling in Patrice's head-- Some kind of chaos going on in here.

On one hand I know that in order for TRUE MAGIC and ENLIGHTENMENT to occur and transform us, then the bottom does have to fall out-That is just logic -- You don't crave the Light until you have spent enough time in the Darkness. And though I hate to say it, I just don't quite think it has gotten dark enough for the masses to have that powerful enough a collective shifting of consciousness that could change everything--But let's be real here-- this is going to be tough and I mean tough like you I and I can't even fathom kind of tough.

And yet, would I be disappointed if somehow tomorrow this whole current financial crisis all gets resolved and we all go on our merry way - the same old status quo?

The answer is a resounding Yes! It may sound like a terrible thing to say if you don't get where I am coming from. Of course I don't want doom and destruction- but I do want change- It's just that I want-- REAL CHANGE- HEAVEN ON EARTH AGAIN- kind of change. The old paradigm was hell. We all know it. The time has finally come for a huge shift. Hold hands. We need to be brave little warriors of the Light- brace ourselves-know that changes of cosmic proportions are being made and we are lucky to be here to witness history as the whole thing unfolds.

I know that many of you really get what I am saying and if you were here in my living room tonight, I would give you one big Kumbaya kinda hug-- I can't imagine anyone else that I would rather do a little choppin' wood and carryin' water with than you.

So let's just go ahead and think of it as one very big, super cool- and rather odd survival party. where we all live and love together and help each other- brothers and sisters -- that sounds pretty freakin' great to me. Now in the meantime-- I pledge to and I Invite you to join with me in...

Hanging out with our loved ones a lot- and start loving these said loved ones more than ever.

( add in warm fuzziness rolled up with compassion for all of the relatives on Earth that we don't know- too) Let's laugh now more than ever and CUT OURSELVES LOTS OF SLACK. I promote the eating of the most delicious cookies we can get get your hands on, rolling around with the dogs, staying informed -- but to really get the reality check of all reality checks ( the best "news" network there is) we all really need to head on inside, dial in to Spirit and Listen - Spirit /God will bring us comfort that all the chocolate, sex or good television could never even could come close to ( They sure seem to help though)- Let's all go on inside our hearts and third eyes and check it out-Really! Then follow what

you feel guided to do ( Hint, if it something kind and loving) you have been listening to the right channel.

Look, the deal is that I have no idea what exactly will be happening and how it will unfold-nor does anyone else here on the Earth. Let's do what we can for each other and that might just mean a lot of hand- holding. We'll just ride this thing out together...I'm will be right here for you-- for real--Stay close-Ok?

Keep your eye on the prize -- The Awakening of Humanity awaits- And it is High time.

Oh yeah.

xoxoxoxox

Just Love,

Patrice

When You Get God On The Line--

2008-10-06T20:19:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of calls going out to God right now-- some thoughts on making the most out of your call...

The world is going cuckoo now-- hang tough my spiritual comrades-- The Light awaits-- In the meantime ---

Why is it that we only seem to call God during a crisis? God is available and ready to help us and hear us 24/7 and during even times when millions are all calling at one time. ( He is God after all!) He is capable of mass interventions and handling many calls simultaneously...but wouldn’t it be nice to get him during his down times occasionally ( though we aren’t sure He has many of these anymore) my point is that if you want to really develop a deep relationship with your Creator, call on him sometimes when things are peaceful just a quick hello once in a while is a beautiful thing!

When you call God, you don’t necessarily hear back actual words from a human voice ( though it does happen) This is where faith comes in. If we believe that God is there to hear our calls, then we must also believe that somehow He will answer us...In His time frame! Let go...surrender...know that He has heard you and be ready to see the many ways that he might respond. He knows what he is doing and you will get your answers at just the right time and in just the right way. Stay open....

Get to know God before the end....that is after all the whole point of life. Don’t wait till the whole human gig is up before you make His/Her acquaintance. Think of it this way, if you were going to spend a long long time visiting someone in a far away land, wouldn’t it be nice to know a bit about them and they you first...Makes for a much more intimate and close visit, Not to mention something to really look forward to .

If you are going to take the time and energy to traverse the Cosmos and talk to God, it is my humble suggestion that you Listen! Take His/Her words as Gospel ( good pun!) God don’t make mistakes and though you may not always like His answers...The Dude of all dudes knows what He is saying...So......pay attention.

The switchboard to God is all lit up be patient- He knows you are on the line.

Oh and say hello for me will ya?

Just Love,

Patrice

The Call of the Sea Witch

2008-10-01T21:16:00.000-07:00

Aye--I wish tonight that you might come a dancin' with me...

Think Mist's of Avalon a blowin' through and wild Celtic music playing-- better yet, put some on

In the wee hours of the morn, I write to you by magic cross candlelight and wild herbs a burning , a smudge of sage and a touch of sandalwood. The mood is set and the time is right. I want to share with you as it is happening a hauntingly beautiful experience unfolding right before me. I am soaring- being energetically transported back to a time so long, long ago--

An alchemical brew as I go deeper and deeper, all the right ingredients coming together in such a way as to invoke a haunting far off memory -- a dream-- a place and a era gone by-- the foghorns of ships that passed in the night once long ago when I was living in England and just wee and knew nothing of what life would bring--

Yet in that moment way back when, something crystallized that defined me and somehow tonight the coming together of a balmy ocean wind blowing in from sea and the light from the crescent moon across a dark turquoise sky and a bursting open heart from the most absolutely beautiful CD mixture of Celtic Voices and melodies, mystical harmonies -- The Call of the Sea Witch-- all conspiring together to open the portal to places that I haven't seen or felt since that night as young young girl --

A place of promise when all possibility danced and playfully sang it's great love song to me that has pulled me always- the life long need to join in the quest for rare love and beauty -- to see behind the magic door--the sheer veil that parts that world from this- a place - a time when the magic was alive and art was everything and for some reason on that night- a seeming lifetime ago, the veil parted and I knew for just a short and wondrous while, what it was to be ethereal -- wild and free made of sound and light and gold dust unknown around these lands. It was true and it was real and I sense the excitement tonight of a knowing that it is to be again.

Enough writing now! The Music calls-- My body already undulating, swirling to old familiar ancient sounds..

This wench must kick up her heels, This witch must dance as she moves to the Call of the Sea --- and so I shall--and so maybe shouldn't we all? --- Dance a jig with us yes?

Come aboard you pirates of the heart. We will pillage for love and pure joy and kick up our heels together-- As it is now and should have always been...Together again.

Aye we lads and ladies be a twirlin' now!

Never be too late they say--- This life is for the livin'

Join with me will ya? Join the dance of the ages.

Don't you be a worry'n now-- --The winds of change be a blowing strong across all miles of land and sea--

God's blessings raining down upon us all- of this I am certain.

just love,

Patrice

Miracle Cross of Light- Patrice Karst- Just Love!

2008-09-29T23:08:00.001-07:00

My website will tell you the story behind the whole cross miracle. But I just thought it might be fun for you to see the cross moving-- there is a candle behind it and we are just holding the glass in front of it...We were goofing around the other night playing with a camera and decided to show you the cross--- sorry the music runs out (we are just learning)-- in the silence just get peaceful-- enjoy and remember this is a Cosmic Healing Cross here to bring hope to all humanity and it is not and I repeat, is not to be claimed by any one religion except perhaps-- the religion of Love. The only True religion there is!

just love!

Patrice Karst

www.patricekarst.com

My Most Excellent Day--

2008-09-28T22:35:00.000-07:00

Lots of magic today, The universe tossed out a few bones. Apparently some of the noise that I have been making got heard? -- Good Sunday morning bonding with Coco my wiener ( dog!) and a no rush , no hurry breakfast, (yummy homemade half hour real oatmeal with all the trimmings) while reading Holy Cow with a crazy looking picture of Krishna wearing sunglasses on the cover, all about another wild woman chick sister traveling through India -- my kind of book. so there I am all cozy comfy, in my sleepy cloths munching happily away while watching riveting news shows complete with all the silly puppet talking heads discussing the bailout plans and the election-- Another blog altogether!

It was just one of those all around "hey life ain't so bad" morning.

Then it got even better-- I had a very hopeful conversation with a super cool and big player in the world meaning he actually really does know what he is doing in business etc. He got me! He truly seemed to get who I am and what I am up to and saw the vision that I have for Just Love-- And maybe, just maybe he can find me the investor that could take us to the next level. In the publishing world which is a world full on No's-- a "Maybe" is a beautiful thing-- the necessary stepping stone to the exalted "Yes!"

Then I get a call from my excited husband Mark and 14 year old stepdaughter Marisa who have just left the parking lot of a Ralphs where they suddenly started seeing twenty dollar bills flying in wind - no kidding, one else around to claim them-- just money floating free ( if that is not a dream come true by God- then I don't know what is-) So they collect five of the magic floating twenties and bring their 100 dollar booty home! A positive sign!!! Money floating- Jeez - That's a universal kiss, some more hope, some faith.

The rest of day continued with a series of auspicious unfolding events. I write an email to a CEO of a big children's books website just to introduce myself and she emails back that she and her little girl are big fans of my kid's book, The Invisible String and will I come and be part of a huge children's book festival next weekend?-- Yes I will, thank you! --)

I just love it when stuff comes organically like that, wonder-like gifts of gold- instead of the constant hustle- promote- publicize that is so much of an author's life--(that is the one's that like to eat).

So by now, I'm walking along feeling pretty good ( which quite frankly beats the mood that I have been in recently-- if you follow my blogs, I'm sure you would agree?)and I happen upon a lady in my hood who needs change for her parking meter and all I have is dime to get her through the ten minutes she needed to get more change and she tells me she is on her way to the Sacred Music Festival Finale on Venice Beach. The what? Oh yeah, The Sacred Music Festival. A very cool event that goes on here in LA every year. I never made it to any of the incredible concerts that were going on all over town the past few weeks, cause I've been in one of my "reclusive writer" phases.

Well, well, well what a culmination of a most excellent day. There I am at sunset on the beach by my home- with the most love-vibey group of cool cats in every color and get up in the rainbow of humanity right here all around me. Bagpipes and drums, dancers and whirling dervishes, Polynesian story dreamers, Brazilian wild women and Rastafarian's all mixed in with the ever present westerners all decked out in their "use for every spiritual event"chic yogic flowy whites. All of us OMing while throwing flowers as offerings into the sea, while the music played and the dancers twirled and the drummers drummed and the waves crashed and the sun set -- now all thigh deep in the water and incense and sage burning and right as the suns last little glow went below the horizon, a cheer from the thousands of us present roared out like none that I have heard before-- and it was all for peace and love and hope. There was look in peoples eyes that seemed to know just this one thing... that the Trumpets of Change have sounded and a New Day is coming.

I knew it and so did they.

Oh and "God's little sweet icing on Patrice's good day cake" was this... I check out the countries that are beginning to visit my site since I just launched it-- every day a new country or two shows up on my cool little tracking system that tells me this kind of stuff and I get downright giddy to see that " my message" like the traveling gnome is indeed going global. .

Anyway, India my true -true- true Mother Country! My Beloved India showed up... Somewhere, someone in India tuned in and spent 18 minutes traveling in my little word- the site-- An Om Shanti and big Namaste to that...

So like I said--it was a very good day--- they deserve equal press-- Heck in my case -they deserve very bit of press they can get.

Maybe I'm on an upswing-- For tonight, I'll go with that...

Just Love,

Patrice

The sad and annoying email that I woke up to...

2008-09-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

Okay so I wake up this morning to a "mass forwarded" email from a friend--

It was a montage of photos from around the world of people suffering terribly. Done with clever little captions like..."If you think your salary is low, how about hers?" Complete with the horrible pathetic image of a sad tiny girl begging in the street-- The implied message of the email was that those of us that are not dying on the street, burned half to death, being held captive without a crime etc, should stop complaining and be grateful. Sounds like a nice message yes?? Well, I had a very different reaction to it-- I was appalled.

Here's why--

This assumption that seeing truly horrifying images of our brothers and sisters across the globe being tortured, starving, at war, limbless, wailing out in pain is supposed to make me feel grateful for what I have or in this case don't have! Wrong.

These images don't make me feel grateful and appreciative... They make me want to die, to scream, to bellow out to God, " Come on already -Fix our mess!!!

I don't get it-- the message we are supposed to get looking at these images is what?.. " Oh God, look at those poor suckers-- wow- I sure feel grateful -- I'm not them..Whhheee! Let's go have a nice big lunch and a walk on the beach and celebrate how lucky I am!" Hugh???

Seeing suffering sure as hell has never served to make me feel better about my life...Maybe it works for some - not me.

Of course, we need to know what is occurring in the world, absolutely--So that maybe we can get to some solution to the horrors in every nook and cranny of this Earth, but to assume that the reaction I should have upon seeing the grief of my global family is to make me feel happy and grateful is lost to me...

The day that I will be truly happy and grateful is the day when there is no more suffering for any of us. In the meantime, I can pray, I can donate, I can cry, I can think and discuss and try to see what can be done.

But please don't send me an email that shows a tear stained, all mangled bones starving child lying in a gutter in Calcutta and a caption that says, "are you complaining about not getting a good nights sleep--he wishes that he would not wake up." And think that this will make me feel "lucky" and therefore real giddy about my day.

None of us are "lucky" to live on a planet where this kind of suffering is happening, tolerated and accepted as the status quo.

God, I want to go back to bed--

just love

Patrice

Thoughts on the "Self Help" movement

2008-09-21T14:57:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning, September 21, My Desk, Santa Monica, CA, USA, North America, Earth, Milky Way, Beyond --

Just ate a big bowl of spaghetti and sauce and it's not even 10:00 am. We're off to a great start. Have a miserable cold, Coco won't stop barking, weighed 127 lbs which is 12 too many. I feel frizzy, frumpy and frazzled. Oh and lest I forget my 100k debt from listening to my inner voice and following my bliss and creative calling-- now that worked out well.

And so today as I sit here in all my cynical, miserable and fat glory- I thought that I would share.

Ah, God bless me...the one thing I do always seem to excel at is sharing what the f--k is going on with me at any given time in all it's nitty gritty detail.

So from the horses mouth herself comes some truth from this particular "self help/new age/teacher/author". Are you ready?

We have really shitty days too!

There are a handful of us that are willing and in fact insist upon letting you-- our readers, students, fans, clients and audiences in on all of this. Many of our peers, however don't.

I don't know why-- maybe they fear that if you really knew the truth, that we are just like you -- you might not think we have something valuable to teach-- or that you wouldn't buy our books or come to our seminars... Maybe there just isn't a whole lot of humility out there anymore.

Lucky for me, I have tried my best to keep it as "real" as I can, not trying to be anything other than who I am...I can't screw up- "fall from grace" if I am just "doing me"- right!.

So just who I am anyway? Well, amongst other things, just another struggling soul here on Earth that does somehow, amidst- it- all know , believe and see amazing glimpses of what lies beyond the veil of illusion. That is what I am here to share. That as painful and hard as life can be, there is something Wondrous guiding us all Home. On a day like this it is good for me to remember!

But this whole "spiritually correct" thing just irks me sometimes---guess I am just a mouthy little rebel....My fairy tale hero was the boy who yelled out "But the emperor's Naked!" So it's a no brainer that I have always had so many challenges as an author/speaker out there in the whole "spiritual fashion' path...There is just so darn much in-authenticity in it. Alot of Elephant in the bloody room and no one be talking!

Amazingly there are actually a handful of truly enlightened beings alive at this time-- those that have managed ( through countless lifetimes) to achieve sainthood and lift off beyond the mundane physical reality and maintain that state of bliss utterly and completely even though they are still in a body. I have been blessed to have some close time with some of these masters and be been blown away-- beyond any words can express.

But the rest of us-the teachers, healers, guides, self-proclaimed gurus, speakers, authors and writers are just as "screwed up" if- you -will as everyone else-- We are all in the same boat and yes, some of us are indeed great teachers/speakers/ thinkers/artists/promoters/ creatives/visionaries-- Still, I think that it begs to be stated that we are not, I repeat are NOT any more " spiritually advanced than you are!" And I hope that just knowing this fact might help you actually feel a bit better.

In our less than magnificent days, we scream, we cry, we question, we have body issues, and dramas and traumas, we are bitchy, we have our rage, our vanity and our fears-- we mess up, are painfully immature- we lose faith yet find it again-we are indeed still Human.

What is so absurd and hypocritical in the, "oh so organic" set is that the very message we are supposed to be sharing-- the message of love-- when told from a holier than thou platform, ends up making people feel small, diminished, often worse about themselves.

Do any of us during our difficult challenges really need one more arrogant, " I -have- all- the answers,- because- I -wrote- a- book- expert-no matter how many weeks on the New York Times Bestseller list", giving us a hard time because we are not loving ourselves unconditionally today?

I don't know about you, but jeez aren't we allowed to have our frumpy, frizzy frazzled day and still be okay? Isn't that Holy too? Doesn't God live in our midst no matter what! Is that Okay with you oh exalted expert that I feel like sh-t today. Can't you just love me anyway???

If we are love and loved, then why- oh -why are we constantly being told by all the "teachers" what we are doing wrong????

That said-- here is my statement of Truth to you -really to us all.

You are Beautiful. In the very middle of your worst days, and troubled times of no faith and less joy-- you are Beautiful. You are loved, you are perfect, you are a beloved child of the Creator. Even when you eat crap and don't exercise and are having a "judgemental" moment and act crazy and feel insane- you are Beautiful. Even if nothing has changed and you still haven't had that one "brilliant spiritual breakthrough" that will, " last this time for sure"-- you are Beautiful. Even if you still see the cup half empty , have negative thoughts and haven't yet manifested the abundance that "if only you had done it right" would have surely come to you you are Beautiful... are you letting this in? You, yes you and me and even" them," the pompous, self righteous , preachers themselves are.......BEAUTIFUL.

And so I call now for a revolution! It is high time that we all cut ourselves some collective slack, ease up, be nice, have fun, do our best, stop posing, start hugging and be REAL.

Now THAT would be worth paying to hear, reading about, being told--Yes?

Patrice here Sunday morning--trying to keep it real for ya.... big group hug!

Later Gator,

just love!

patrice

the shopping spree

2008-09-20T18:08:00.000-07:00

"Beauty is only skin deep. The real beauty is what is inside of you not what is on the outside. I'll buy clothes when I lose ten pounds, have the time, one of my books sells a million copies..... anyway shopping is a superficial waste of time and money that you are way beyond."

These are just a few of the ditties I lived with for much of my life, what I call my "yoga pants " mentality. It hadn't always been this way, as a teen and into my twenties I was a different animal ,but the fact that as a writer working from home for the past several years....had left me a beyond a fashion disaster, it had left me a mess! I had somehow pulled it off by scrummaging through the chaos of my closet on those rare occasions when I actually had to find an outfit, but for the most part I needed a big overhaul.

Then, ( and don't ask me how this happened) one morning I awoke with an epiphany. Things needed to change. I was still an attractive (albeit not showing it) and not yet totally over the hill 49 year old woman. By God, it was time that I embraced life and myself again by buying some clothes!

This however, presented some major obstacles. Number one, I didn't have a clue where to begin. I had barely stepped foot in a retail store for years. I never read magazines, never paid attention to what was "in," didn't even know my size, certainly didn't have a lot of money and had a closet overflowing with crap from 20 years ago ( mostly from hand me downs friends gave me after cleaning out their closets)! I couldn't even tell what was in there let alone what was salvageable. This was going to be an interesting process.

The first thing I decided to do was purge. If I didn't love and I mean LOVE an item, it went into a big garbage bag for the homeless. The first two items were hard, "you may someday want to wear the orange sequined mumu." Then it became one of the most cleansing, exhilarating and freeing experiences I have ever allowed myself to have. I put on the radio really loudly and started tossing. Through closet, drawers and shoe racks, leotards, belts and purses, old nighties and "good" coats out they went. No questions asked...Bye bye! Even makeup drawers and jewelry boxes were sorted through. Nothing was spared, I was on a roll.

Three days and ten full giant bags later, left with just a few truly pretty and long forgotten treasures I now had no choice, I had to shop, or spend a lot of time naked.

And so phase two began....."The Spree." Armed with three rarely used credit cards and a number I conjured up of $1,500.00 I considered this splurge an investment in my future ( who knows who I might attract) therapy,( it was bound to help my self esteem) and a financial affirmation ( maybe by dressing great I would somehow manifest more money) I forged into the unknown depths of my local shopping mall.

At first it was dizzying...literally. The colors, the signs, the noise. Which store? Which sale? What was my fashion style? Did I want to be trendy, sophisticated, artistic? How the heck to even begin? What deals were really best? What were my darn colors anyway...was I a spring, winter, grey fog? HELP! No wonder I hated this and had avoided it so much of my adult life. I must have not been born with the gene all other women seemed to have been...the shoppers gene. I wanted to run home, hide, move to Bali and live in a bathing suit and a sarong, I wasn't cut out for this, I was outta here......

Before bolting though, I decided to have a little lunch and calm myself. One Chinese chicken salad and a fresh iced tea later. I felt different, a little mellower and decided to go into just one store and see what happened.

What can I say? It was as if the years of imprisonment unlocked the gates and my "inner shopper" was freed, unleashed and running wild. I began! One shirt opened up a new world and the hours flew by. I shopped, I charged, I found deals upon deals, I mixed this with that and that with this and hauled it all home . Almost instantaneously, I caught the bug, the excited adrenaline rush of finding the perfect belt to go with that dress. Wow a twenty dollar skirt reduced form forty nine!! God, I look good in pink!

Realizing that if I was to look good on the outside, I had better look cute underneath too (you never know, maybe someone else might actually see it one day) I also bought beautiful lacy lingerie. And then of course I needed the right shoes, jackets, work out clothes, makeup...you get the idea. Within one week, I knew the mall better than the best of them. I could tell you who had what on special and where the cutest bathing suits were. I had walked into my womanhood and joined the ranks of those for whom the mall, boutiques and catalogues were a spiritual experience. I had been reborn. For a thousand dollars. I was new.

Hauling those dozens of bags home and putting my new friends in their rightful places. I felt alive, excited about the future and the possibilities that abound. Now I know that for some of you , this may sound silly, overdue, indulgent or even dangerous, but for me it has been a most excellent adventure. For the first time I now notice what other women are wearing, ask them where they found said items, a whole new language of bonding has opened up. I make mental notes of what I like or don't. The reactions from the outside world, neighbors, men, strangers has been fascinating...they actually look at me. I am no longer invisible. It may have taken decades to really "get it" but get it I did. Though I still know in my heart that it is what's inside that truly counts, I now also see that it is a primal, feminine, right to want to look good, and to let yourself pursue that desire. To enjoy the mirror, shop with the girls, and to let your self buy that new leather jacket that you "just have to have '. And you know what.... I must admit, I like it!

Then again, as I write this—I’m still in the yoga pants! Makes me wonder do things ever really change?

Just Love,

Patrice

Homesick

2008-09-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

Woke up again today--

Funny how that happens. It is getting so weird to me. Maybe cause I have been here so many years now on the planet (49) that must have something to do with the general malaise this morning. It just all seems so archaic somehow..Wake up -eat- work-play- pay-shower- back to sleep. Yes, Yes, of course there are brilliant, shiny, wonder- filled moments sprinkled in ( thank God!) but seriously- do any of you know what I am talking about?

It's not that I am not grateful to wake up- it just seems that the time in between each morning seems to be moving faster and faster and before you know it, I'm up again. It's just odd-- Oh and don't even get me started on the whole having to get in a machine to drive get places. It is as if I can remember a time when all I had to do was imagine where I wanted to go and, poof! I was there.

It's strange to remember a place that cannot be explained. Love was the air. And all were happy. No money worries, health worries, on and on... Just Bliss- really! It is that memory that has fueled my journey through this life. Earth is interesting but not my home. Home is better.

Later-

Just Love,

Patrice

ramblings about love

2008-09-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

So, a few more ramblings about love…

I am no scientist definitely not an intellectual ( thank God!) I don’t know technically , specifically, how the whole thing works- quantum physics- the field, the vibratory realms, the hundredth monkey effect — whatever–But we don’t need to know how it works— It just does!

We have been told by all the greatest beings since time began that LOVE can move mountains, and planets and by God they can’t have all been wrong! Right? We have been told in so many different ways that when enough of us humans catch the LOVE wave and carry it on then ….The whole crazy test will be over and we will all PASS. Summer Vacation Forever!!!!! Let’s rally the troops…. We’re not reinventing the wheel…just reminding one another to get it rolling again—and fast! ……like right now….

That is what we are here to do– just love! If we are not living our entire life giving and receiving love as our number one priority– then we are missing the whole point and in fact WASTING our LIFE..and I mean wasting our life!. I don’t mean to be so harsh but Jeez… come on folks …. we know this deep inside —- we've read the books- gone to the seminars—heard it all before..Well… Time to start living it 24/7 and test out the theory… No Gurus, crystals, chants needed ( though they can certainly help ya get in the mood) what you absolutely do need is just one big ready to be used HEART! As you actually begin to do this –you will start to Experience MAGIC…

You won’t believe the incredible things that will unfold— I mean full on trippy unbelievably cool occurrences—there is something to this love energy.. I tell ya…trust me on this one… are you willing to try? Do you dare to test out the Divine law once and for all. If love is the highest vibration — then let’s plug in big time daily!…. Love can melt the coldest, most wounded, desperate heart what else, I ask you can do that?.. Now here’s the caveat…You gotta really open up your heart and mind cause if you close down either one you will not never be delivered on magic flight outta here. This is the greatest knowledge of knowledge. Open mind—Open Heart = best party in the Universe. You can’t buy your way in- talk your way in- Sneak your way in — one way- one way only You Just Love your way in…

And here is the real clincher if you can even try to imagine—There is indeed a way that we could all transcend this oh so tired three dimensional plane and rocket into the fourth dimension— No money worries, health issues, no suffering at all—This is real people—We just never all collectively pulled it off and the signs are all there that we can create the shift of the ages right into the Golden Age I tell you…. And I am telling you with every cell in my being that if we “get this” this just love thing- really get it and really make an effort at doing it and reminding others…The Great Healing Of Our Planet will happen right before your eyes…

I recently had an incredibly painful situation occur and my heart felt broken open– the big old lump in the throat and the whole deal. I gotta tell you it was not easy to “just love” but after my head and face and throat hurt form crying and contorting. I was so exhausted that there was nothing let to do but lay down. It then that I realized I never again wanted to make myself feel that “sick” with emotion…I started to allow the pain to just sit in my heart and throat without judgement or trying to change it…It took some time and about a thousand face kisses for the my wiener dog Coco but lo and behold! that old magnificent heart started to open again. If you let you heart close down when someone does something awful– you are letting the “bad guys win” DON”T!!

Just Love!!!

Patrice